When people hear the term “sugar daddy,” they usually picture a rich, well-dressed older man who spends money on younger women in return for company, intimacy, or sex. This idea is not new. According to historian Kyle Livie, a similar practice called “treating” existed in the 1800s, where men supported unmarried women with low incomes in exchange for their time.
Today the idea still exists, and it has even grown because of the pandemic, unemployment, and financial stress. Many young people now use sugar daddy websites to connect with older men who can help improve their lifestyle. But popular culture often shows sugar daddies as angry or controlling old men, and because society still shames sex work, both sides in these relationships face judgement.
It is easy to forget that sugar daddies are still human. Each one has his own reasons and past experiences that led him to transactional dating. A 2019 study in Sociological Perspectives listed different forms of sugar dating — from purely physical relationships with paid gifts or money to arrangements based on platonic companionship with financial support. But even with this research, the stigma around these relationships remains strong.
Helping others (“saviour” feeling)
Richard Doe, 42, from Australia, became a sugar daddy after his divorce. He says many women he met were raised by single mothers and needed money to survive. Helping them made him feel needed. He said he would rather spend money on someone who appreciates him than at a strip club.
Sanjay Desai, 52, an investment banker, met his sugar baby on a sugar daddy website. He helped her with advice, money, transport, and emotional support during hard times, including when her father died during COVID lockdown. For many men like him, helping someone gives a sense of purpose and satisfaction.
Control and power
Some men like sugar dating because it gives them a sense of control that they may not have in normal relationships. Psychologist Seema Hingorrany says that while some sugar daddies are motivated by kindness, others enjoy having the upper hand. The clear rules in these arrangements help them feel safe and in control.
Jack Manning, 60, from Singapore, said sugar dating made him feel secure because he knew what to expect, unlike in traditional dating. For some men, paying gives them the right to set clear rules and avoid expectations about marriage or children.
Emotional transfer and unresolved trauma
Some sugar daddies are driven by personal wounds, past losses, or a need for validation. Hingorrany shared the case of a man who lost his daughter to cancer. Even though he was romantically attracted to his sugar baby, he still transferred some of his “provider” feelings onto her.
Desai also admitted that since he never had a daughter, supporting a sugar baby gave him a feeling he missed in life.
Feeling young again
Some men say sugar dating helps them make up for lost time. Desai said he did not date before marriage and that being with a younger woman made him feel like he had a second chance.
Fetish and sexual pleasure
For others, paying is part of the sexual thrill. Manning said the act of paying someone during intimacy excites him more than role play. Some sugar babies also enjoy the kink of money being exchanged, even if they are financially comfortable. Doe added that unlike prostitution, sugar arrangements feel safer and more mutual.
Even though sugar daddy websites make these arrangements easier to set up, the social stigma remains. But behind every arrangement is a person with a motive - whether it is to help, to control, to feel loved, to heal a wound, or to experience a sexual kink.