I have had weird and wrong pride to do anything.
It never let me ask for directions in town.
My parents thought I was just being shy, when I was little.
I believed so too because they and other adults would say the same : I was too shy to make friends.
That is kind of true.
But I did always ask for direction in foreign countries without anything stopping me.
And I was not too shy to ask guys out ; I am married with a guy I met in LA.
Something, maybe the enviroment I grew up in, maybe the way I was raised...perhaps my mother's belief greatly influenced the way I have lived.
I always had myself. I didnt want to do what I didnt like. I didnt wanna have anything to do with somebody I didnt feel we would get along at first sight.
Obviously, this was a wrong and bad attitude to have for socilization. I had hard time finding good friends in schools.
Funny thing is that I didnt have problems at all among friends I got outside school, like in ballet lessons.
Any ways, there was a big event in my life that recently made me hate this pride I have had for 20 years, as well as the way I have been.
I am encountering a tragedy that I might get divorced. That would be another long blog to speak on it.
For reasons I do not want the divorce. And I am making my best effort to save my marriage.
The other day when my husbdand comes to see our son he pointed at my pink eye shadow and said
"Just be careful about make up."
I joked, "Be careful not to be too beautiful?"
"Make up doesnt make beauty, only fake you up."
"Natural, is always best."
I had heard him saying same kinds of stuff many times. But it seemed new to me, or his words gave me same shock as some completely new things he would say.
It was no longer only about make up but also about how you are.
That night I decided to take off those pretty dresses I had been wearing since young. : I left my prides behind. Not all, only wrong ones. I thought I need courage to expose myself of real : things that might enbarrase myself, things that might not be cool, things which might change the views of people who know me.
That is why I started my blog.
I dont need anybody to empathize and sympathize me. I dont need to group with people in similar situations.
Like a music producer I met more than 5 years said, I am going to be a big tall tree to get cold rains directly on my back. I would not prefer hiding behind tall building to get a shade.
I do love myself.
And I want a happy life.
I wanna be the happiest woman to brag about the most wonderful family. Not to brag that my husband is a super model and designer and our son youngest driver.
But to show we family are never scared of being ourself and fight naked.
I would love to let us call us three "family" meaning a father mother and son.
I would love you to let me walk next to you as yourself.
For the dream, I will keep changing myself and surprise you, B.
