Short Family Jokes One Liner Funny
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!
Introducing myself to new boyfriends parents: "Hi, I usually don't make it this far."
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
My dad finally left me a voicemail where he didn't introduce himself. I think we're getting closer.
O
Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?
If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids... ... ...Eat them!