1. time posted: 10.03.2011
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Getting bullied can be really painful...
Getting bullied by the one you love is real hell.
"What's with these teary eyes? Are you some kinda girl or what? Take off that pink pin! You're a guy aren't you?", he laughed and slapped my face at the same time.
While his friends were watching laughing as I fell on the floor and hit my head hard painfully I got kicked again and again.
"Please. Stop. I'm sorry." I whispered while whining.
"That thing here crawling before my feet begging for forgiveness can't be a guy. You're not a man. You're fag."
As he kicked and punched me I just held on to my head hoping that he would stop soon. Wishing that I was someone else. Someone he would like. Someone he could look at without being disgusted.
"People like you deserve to suffer. Take that!", he screamed and that was the last kick he gave me that day.
When I woke up I was lying on a bench near the place I got beaten up. While wondering who could have brouht me here I looked around. Every single part of my body hurt like hell and I was trying really hard not to break out into tears. Since I'm a man.
Standing up was nearly impossible. Well, thinking back... I got beaten up pretty badly for a few days in a row so it couldn't have been otherwise. Maybe I'll need to go to the hospital soon. Yea, I should do that.
"Don't!", someone said suddenly and grapped my shoulder. My eyes opened wide and I looked at the familiar face who was looking with tearful eyes at me: "Don't stand up. I already called the ambulance. Your head is bleeding. Don't move too much or something even worse could happen."
It was my sister. She stroke my hair and gave me a bottle of water. "Drink something."
"Thanks.",
I said and tried to smile but it just hurt... everything.
Not only my body... not only that... just everything. Seeing my sister cry for me. Thinking about being beaten up by the one you once thought would be with you forever. Even if it was just as friends. But just everything is better than this. I'm so pathetic. He is right... Sasuke is totally right. I deserve to suffer... for making people who care for me sad... for falling in love with my best friend... for being the way I am.
"Don't
cry. I'm sorry.", I told my little sister after taking a sip of water.
She shoke her head: "It's not your fault. Why are you apologizing? It's
his fault. This asshole. I know you guys had a fight a week ago but does
he really have to do something like that? You could have died."
"No, it's my fault. I did something terrible to him.", I tried to explain
"What
did you do to deserve something like that?", she screamd angry and it
wasn't like her at all. My cute little sister who was always smiling and
laughing was now screaming out of anger... and everything just because
of me.
"You wouldn't understand."
No, she definitely wouldn't. Nobody would. I don't even understand it either... why did we end up like that?
"There is no way I would. You've known each other since you
were in elementary school. You were best friends... why... why is he
doing that to you?"
Because I fell in love with him.
...I was about to say but just kept quite in the end.
After being taken to the hospitel I was examinated and they told me I had two broken rips and a concussion. Two weeks hospital stay and I have my exams in two months. God damn it... there couldn't have been a worse time.
"Don't worry about your grades. Just take a good rest and get well soon.", my mother said and smiled at me.
"Mum, don't look like that.", I whispered and held her hand.
"Like what?"
"I know that smile. It's fake. Don't be so worried. I'm completely fine."
"You
aren't. Not at all. You're in the hospital. Did you forget that?" her
voice kinda shivered and I just couldn't stand seeing her like that.
First my sister and now her: "Mum please. It's not like I'm going to
die. Please go home. You don't have to spend your day of with me at the
hospital."
"Of course I have to. I'm your mother."
"Mum... go
home. I know you're tired. I'm also. I want to sleep.", I lied. Well...
it's not really a lie. I really am tired and I want to sleep... but I
can't. Since the day we had that fight I didn't sleep much.
"It's just...", she began but stopped speaking as the door opened slowely.
Suddenly I couldn't breath anymore. I looked at Sasuke who was standing there in the doorway and seeing him looking back at me with the same eyes... the same eyes he had when I told him about my feelings.
"What are you doing here?", my mother screamed and got up:"Get out!"
"No,
mum. He didn't do anything wrong.", I just tried to calm her down but
she got even louder: "Seems like you really can't think straight
anymore. He is the friggin' reason you're lying here. He was supposed to
be your best friend. And now look at what he has done to you."
"But..."
"No,
buts. Get the hell out.!", she turned to him again but he didn't even
look at her. He didn't even move an inch. He was just standing there in
the door looking at me like something terrible happend. Something he was
so afraid of that he couldn't even talk about it.
"Mum, please let him come in."
"No!"
"Go
home already mum. That's something between him and me. You don't even
now what happend. Don't butt into our business!"I said harshly and I
knew that my mother would like to beat the hell out of him but I
couldn't let that happen. "Mum go. I'll call you later. Go..."
For a moment she just stood there in silence looking fiercely at him but then she grapped her bag and left the room.
"Come in.", I told him and tried to get up a bit but in the end I just dropped back into the sheets.
He made slow step forward and now I noticed for the first time that his eyes were red. He must have been crying.
"It's not my fault.", he said.
"I know. It's my fault. I' sorry."
"It's because you turned out that way."
"Yea I know."
"You're sorry aren't you?"
"Yea, I'm sorry. So sorry."
"So what are gonna do about it?"
It's not like I can change the fact that I love him. I can't. I tried for the last few years and realized that it was impossible.
"What are you going to do? You know that as long as you have these feelings we can't be friends."
"I know."
"I
know that you want to be friends with me again. So just... forget these
feelings. Everything can be like it used to be, Naruto.", now he sounded
so desperate that I imagined him smiling in my head but he still had
the same expression on his face.
"Nothing can be like it was before."
"Why? As long as you-"
"But I can't."
A
silent moment.
He came another step clother and now for the first time looked at my wounds. I could feel his gaze on my chest, on every part of my body which had been bandaged in.
"But that means we won't be able to be together anymore.", he then said and his eyes looked through me.
"I know."
"You want that?"
"Of course not. But there is no other way. I just can't help feeling that way... and the moment we kisse-"
"Stop!"
"The moment we kissed I knew that the time for us being friends had ended."
"Stop it!"
"I knew that we could only go on as lovers... or break apart."
"Lovers, you say. Are you stupid? We are both guys."
"But we still kissed and had sex."
"But that's your fault too. You forced your feeling on me."
"I know. Sorry."
I know that he wanted it too. The way he looked at me. The way he called my name. The way he held and kissed me like I was his precious treasure. There is no way he wasn't enjoying it. It's just... he can't stand the thought of being a homosexual... being treated the way he treats me now... he acts strong... but he isn't. I know it. I could tell him but that would only make him mad or drive him insane. So I'll just ceep quite and he can take his anger out on me until he's satisfied. Well but to be honest... I never thought that he would go as far as to hurt me like that.
"Why...
why can't we go back to just being friends?", he whispered and dropped
on the chair next to my bed on which my mother had been sitting until a
few minutes ago.
"Why can't you bear being more than friends? Don't you want to kiss and hold me?"
"... It's just not possible... after..."
"After?"
"A...after I hurt you like that. I don't deserve to be your lover at all... I used violence on you."
I looked at him with big eyes:" You're not making sense anymore. Now you're talking like you love me too."
"I do."
"You just said I forced my feelings on you and it wasn't your fault."
"I fuckin don't know. It's just not possible for us be be more than friends."
"Right..."
"But...",
he looked at me like he was hoping that I would find a way out of this
misery but I just didn't know anymore. What was he talking about? So he
knows that he loves me? And now in this few minutes he found a new
reason for us not to be together?
"You know..", I started:"I've
loved you since we were little and I thought that we could stay together
forever even if we were just gonna be best friends. But somehow you
found out about my feelings... we had sex and it has come to this. I
would say... everything went wrong. We can't turn back the time. So
there are two options: Seperate or be more that friends."
"But..."
"Two options. You choose. I won't say anything afterwards."
"I can't choose."
"Then I'll choose. Seperate."
"What? Why did you choose to seperate? I thought you loved me."
"Ok then let's become lovers.,"
"But that's not possible."
"Then should I kill myself so you can live your life normal and go on like I never excisted?", I suddenly started screaming.
"Wha- what are you saying that bullshit for?", now Sasuke looked angry at me.
"I
also don't know what to do. But there is one thing I know: The poeple I
love are sad because of me. Not only you but also my family. Maybe it
would be better if I just disappeared."
"Are you crazy? Do you serisously mean that?"
"But
weren't you trying to kill me? You kicked my head so many times. It's a
wonder I'm still alive. You would also be happy if I just dropped dead
now right? The shit I have been living for. Living to be by the side
of a person who loves me but still beats the shit out of me and won't
even realize in how much pain I am. I've been suffering for so many
years seeing you with your past girlfriends being all lovey dovey... of
course I don't blame you but the same time you looked me in the eyes you
told me how much you liked these bitches. A-Are you sure it's not
possible to be by my side? Don't you think that I've gone through far to
much already?", I screamed and tears rolled down my cheeks but I didn't
even think about stopping.
Now was the chance to let everything out I have been building up for so many years.
"Do you even know how much I loved you and still do? I'm lying here in the hospital and every fuckin part of my body hurts more than hell, I've had thousend of sleepless nights, I've been crying nearly everday, I've had so many thoughts about just ending it all... killing myself and these stupid girls you've been going out with...I even thougth about just raping you and ending everything like that... all... all because of you. It's not my faul... it's not. You're at fault. I didn't do anythign wrong. I can't do anything about being in love with you."
Actually I wanted to go on screaming at him how silly he was but that was the moment he dropped on his knees.
Breathing heavily from having spoken too much I looked down on him and he held his shivering hands before his eyes.
He started to whisper something but I couldn't understand him. Even as I tried to get closer to him ignoring the pain I was causing myself by moving my body too much I couldn't hear him clearly.
"Speak louder.", I said still out of breath.
"I...", he started but then he looked at me with tearful eyes and the pain I could feel at that moment nearly broke my heart.
What have I done? What the hell did I just do? I said all these things to him. To the person I wanted for to be happy for all means but now I made him cry too. I'm a good for nothing person. Maybe I should really just en-
"I can't do anything but love you. My head is so filled with
you that I just can't think about anything else. We were born to be
together.", he suddenly said and at that moment my mind went black.
"I
just love you too much. Also... I've also been in love with you for all
this time. I never loved any of these girls... I just thought that I
would be able to forget about you but when you told me that you also
loved me and we kissed and had sex... I was just too happy. But then..."
"Then?"
What happend then? If you are telling the truth why did it come to this? Why am I lying here and why are we even fighting?
"But then I realized the situation we are in. We're both guys. People will talk bad about you, they'll maybe even try to hurt you and I am just so afraid of losing you...so afraid. B-But somehow... someone found out about you being gay... he wanted to do something to you and I... I told him I would... I just couldn't stand the thought of someting terrible happening to you... but now... I did the same thing. But I didn't... I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted to protect you. I thought... maybe you would also fall out of love with me and that would clear the situation. Get you out of danger... I just wanted to protect you."
Thinking back... the people standing behind him while beating me... they wanted to do something to me too but he always screamed to get away from me... and the first few days he didn't hurt me that bad. He only beat my arms and legs. Never my face or stomach. But today...
"But today... they wanted to do something even worse. Gang up on you and..."
"You...", I began.
"I
just wanted to protect you. I love you. Of course I do but now you know
why we can't be together. As long as we are.. poeple might find out and
try to hurt you."
"But that's no solution."
"It is. It is! Just forget about me."
"I can't!"
"You can. Just think about how I treated you the last few days. I'm a bastard."
"You
aren't. You are my best friend. You're my first love... and I'm sure
you'll also be my last love... because there is no way I'll be able to
live in a world without you."
"Naruto... you just don't understand."
"No Sasuke! You said it yourself... we were born to be together."
As I said that I grapped his arm and pulled him up. He was standing beside me. Our tears had already stopped and I grapped his hand focefully: "Sasuke... kiss me."
His eyes opened wide but as he bit his lips I
could see the passion in his gaze.
He slowly lessend the distance
between our faces and after so many seconds our lips touched each others
and we kissed for the second time ever. This time I didn't close my eyes because I wanted to see his face. Because I knew that this was going to be our last kiss.
"Sasuke... I love you.", I whispered and he just opend his eyes for a second... closed them again and a last tear run down his cheek.
„Me too. That's why...", he whispered and slowly left the room without looking back at me.
It's been two weeks since that day and he didn't visit me anymore. He didn't call either. Today I'm getting discharged from the hospital and the first thing I am going to do is visit his house. If he's not there I'm going to call his parents and friends to ask if they know where he could have gone to. And if they also don't know I'm going to search for him. It doesn't matter where he went... I'm going to find him.
Because we were born to be together.