What is an acceptable amount of time to leave guests waiting to see the bride and groom and the rest of the wedding party after the wedding? My daughter and her boyfriend recently traveled several hours to attend the wedding of a friend. It was held in the college town where the couple met, so almost all of the guests had traveled at least four hours to attend. After the wedding, the guests were directed to a room for hors d’oeuvres, and after waiting for almost two hours there was no sign of any of the wedding party. Since my daughter and her boyfriend had a long drive back and it was getting late, they finally decided to leave even though they were very disappointed they had not been able to speak to the bride and groom. As they were leaving, they took a walk around the venue and spotted the wedding party in a pavilion behind the building having dinner. They were all just relaxing and eating while their guests were waiting and wondering when the bride and groom would appear. I thought it was extremely rude to leave their guests, who had all traveled to the wedding, just standing around for such a long time while the wedding party was leisurely enjoying food and drinks.
My daughter is getting married next year and we are trying to learn about all the current etiquette rules.
Thank you.Sharon Fisher
This sounds like a classic case of avoidable disappointment. How sad that your daughter and her boyfriend were unable to even greet the bride and groom. It’s understandable that they (and perhaps other guests) had to leave because of the long drive home. At least this couple did provide some food, and probably beverages, for their guests. Doing so is the only way to graciously accommodate guests who have to wait for the arrival of the newlyweds at the reception.
It is difficult to imagine how this couple, plus the members of their wedding party, could enjoy a meal while their guests awaited their arrival at the reception. The couple must have gotten some bad advice. Maybe the manager of the venue told them it would be O.K. to control costs by providing hors d’oeuvres for the guests and dinner only for their nearest and dearest. Whatever the case, you are right: This bride and groom failed to treat their guests in a considerate way.
Your daughter’s experience will help guide you as you plan her wedding. The wedding reception usually starts — for the guests, at least — soon after the ceremony (although logistics sometimes play into the timing equation). During the time between ceremony and reception, couples often schedule portrait photos of the two of them as well as some with their attendants and their families. Meanwhile, guests are enjoying refreshments. When this is the case, the ideal amount of time between the ceremony and arrival of the newlyweds at their reception is approximately 45 minutes to one hour. Over an hour — but not by more than an additional 30 minutes or so — is sometimes acceptable when logistics require a longer gap. Some couples manage to take their wedding photos so quickly that their guests hardly have a wait at all.
Continue reading the main storyThe goal is to find a balance. If photos take too long, it may require that the bride and groom skip the cocktail hour and join the reception just before the meal is served. Another popular option is to plan to take the wedding party portraits before the ceremony, if the couple is not superstitious about seeing each other before the bride walks down the aisle. This plan has the advantage of allowing everyone to arrive at the reception roughly at the same time. Whatever the plan, be sure to allow time for the bride and groom to greet their guests.
When Presents Come With a DiscountI often get promo codes that give a percent discount at the store where a couple is registered. Is the right thing to do to buy something of a greater cost than what I would spend normally, so that, after the discount is applied, I’m actually spending what I had intended to spend? Is it poor etiquette to buy something that costs what I had intended to spend when I put it into the online cart/shopping bag, but after the discount is applied is actually less? If it matters, if it’s a sitewide sale where the couple knows that everything is a certain percentage off, or that a given registry item is on sale, I usually spend my intended amount.
AnonymousYours is an interesting question regarding the world of retail. You also hit upon the proverbial dilemma: “What should I spend on a wedding gift?” There’s no particular dollar amount required for a wedding gift. (It’s an urban myth that a guest must spend an amount of money that would at least cover the per-person cost of food and drink at the reception. How on earth would a guest know that?) The gift giver decides what to give and how much to spend based on affection for the couple or their parents, if they don’t know the couple well. It’s also important to respect one’s budget and to choose something the couple would enjoy.
Go with the dollar amount that you would normally spend on the couple’s wedding gift. That’s what you had intended. You don’t have to choose something from their registry, but the registry will give you an idea of what they might like. If you do purchase online, select a gift that has a monetary value that equals the amount you plan to spend — after applying the discount. The fact that there’s an incentive coupon is generally a fact of retail life these days. Think of the promotion as giving you a little more purchase power when choosing your gift.