I just wanna write something tonight.
There are no topics. Anything I thought I want to write down.
I'm a little annoyed. No any reasons to be, but I just think it wasn't a day like I wanted.
Everybody have those blue days. That is our life.
But the problem is I don't know how to make those days better.
I don't have any people to talk with.
I mean I have friends but never got close enough to be able to talk about anything. Like best friends. I usually like being myself too much and never felt I need those kind of friends. I don't even feel sad about to not have it.
I'm trying to quit from fucking smoking. I have been smoking since 17 years old though, it just smells bad and I can't taste of food while I smoke, so I don't think I need it anymore. But trying to quit from smoking is actually so annoying. Even though I know I hate it, I always smoke. It just stupid thing.
I even started smoke hookah recently, and I think it is better though, I still don't want it. It takes couple of hours to smoke all and it is wasting of time and is also expensive. I heard that it is less of nicotine and actually smells good though..
Weed, which I don't smoke anymore and I only did for only a year or so, was a nightmare lol I was trying to not think of anything about my life and I was even trying to quit from its stupidness though, actually, The smoking weeds was the stupid thing. I could fly to the heaven and I so loved it once, but I also fall to the hell twice lol Those were the best and the worst times I have ever had in my life. Even though I could think of flying to the heaven again, but when I also think of the hell, I could smoke it anymore. And I actually knew if I smoke with that thoughts, I only can go to the hell.
I used to hurt myself to be felt better. I cut and burned and etc. I'm not sure now if it actually made me feel better though, that was one of my solution. The last I did was maybe couple of months ago. I had been doing it since 12 years old.
I really don't know why I am always this way. I have never asked for any help, and I always felt OK being by myself.
But I also don't think it is OK to not ask for it and always having issues just in me. Well, people call these as "issue" or "problem," but I never thought like that either.
So I just wrote all of these and there is no answer. And no solution to make my blue days better..
haha how funny..
But oh well, I'm gonna go to bed now..
I apologize about all these dark side in me, and hope nobody even read it and I didn't let nobody down.