私がまだまだ自分と自分が置かれてきた環境を良く理解しておらず、常になんとも表現できない圧迫感、父の独裁的な精神支配下におかれていたことからくるプレッシャーを感じていた頃、当時は、それがどんなに辛いかを人に解って貰おうというありがちだけれど間違った方法でその苦しさから逃れようとしており、どれだけ大変な環境か訴えようとする時、手っ取り早く解ってもらえるのは暴力であろうと思いそれを訴えると、それは親が子に対する「躾」をするためのものだと言われたものだ。
これだけははっきりさせておきたい。「躾」と「暴力」は明らかに違い、必ずやって良い事と悪い事の間にはきっちりとした線がある。それを越えた瞬間にそれは「暴力」になる。
人間の子に対して躾で叩く・殴るはもちろん蹴ることが必要になる事は基本的に無い。考えてもみて欲しい。言葉が通じない乳幼児の時は、言葉が通じないくらいであれば叩く蹴るが通じるわけもない。言葉が通じるようになってからは、解る解らないはまず別として必ず毎回口頭で注意してから、それでも何か取ってはいけないものを取ろうとする行動を繰り返すようであれば、叩くのでは無く手を握るとか、走り回ってしまうようであればそれを始める前に手を繋いでおくなどそういう“普通の”方法がある。何が言いたいかと言えば、動物ではないのだから人間として扱うべきだということだ。こういう言い方をすると語弊があるかもしれないが、ペットを飼っていらっしゃる方は良く解ると思う。多くの人は動物でさえ愛するものであれば先ずは言葉でコミュニケーションをとろうとすると思う。動物達はその本能をもって飼い主の意思を汲み取ろうとするものだ。もし、幼い子でそれができない場合は、すでにそれまでの育て方のどこかに原因がある可能性もあるし、或いは、先天的に何かしらの（あまりこの言葉は使いたくはないが）発達障害の可能性を疑ってあげる方がその子の将来のためだと思う。叩くなどの行為で一時的に行動が制御される場合、勘違いされがちなのは、それは子供が「悪い事をした」という自覚があって“止めた”結果ではない。例え話せる年齢に達していて「ごめんなさい」と言っていても、只単に痛いとか嫌な目にあったがために萎縮した状態であってなんの“躾”にもならない。私達も必死で「ごめんなさい」と叩かれながら泣き叫んだものだ。それでも父親の暴力は留まるところを知らなかった。後に大人になってから母にどれだけ悪い事をしたのかと聞けば、何をしたわけでもなく子供の話す声が高いのでそれに気が立って、ストレス解消に我々を殴っていた事実が判明した。サンドバッグ代わりだったわけだ。
さて、なぜ今こんな話題を書いたかと言えば、少し前に北海道で起きた事件が気になったからだ。
高校生が母親と祖母を殺害してしまった。周囲の情報から、かねてよりその高校生は“暴力をふるわれて”いたらしい。所謂Domestic Violence (DV)だ。だが、この高校生の認識は違っていた。「躾が厳しい」という認識だった。それはそうだろう。きっと理性のつく前からそういった行為を受けていた被害者なのだと思う。その子はそれが“暴力”ではなく“躾”だとある意味の洗脳を受けていたのだと私は思う。そう植え込まれていたら、その子には選択の余地はないとでも言おうか。他のカテゴリーの存在さえ知らぬまま高校生になったのだ。DVを受けたことの無い人には信じがたい、或いは想像しがたい状況だろうが、そういうことなのだ。
逆のパターンの方が世間に知られやすい。子供が親に暴力をふるうようになってしまうパターンだ。親は、殴られるということを日常的に経験していなかったところから、日々暴力を受ける状況にいつの日からか変わって行くわけで、“普通の状態”というのが暴力の無い状態であることをすでに大人になるまで体験してきている。そこから暴力に合う状況に変化するのであるからわかり易い。ただこの場合は、親であるがために事を荒立てたくないものだからひた隠しにしてしまう事も多くあるのも事実だ。
ただ、生まれた頃から暴力下にありそれが普通である状況よりは、ごく一般的な暴力の無い生活から殴る・蹴るの生活に変わる方が外から見ても目立つし当事者達も認識があるので、事が明るみに出易い。
ほとんど呪縛とも言える子に対する親のDVはその後の人一人の人生を大きく左右させる。独立して親元を離れれば呪縛からも逃れられるだろうと思うなかれ。私の場合は幸い今、最後の最後の一繋がりを断ち切るだけに至っているが、それでもそれがなかなか進まないし“後遺症”に当たるものは一生残る。多くの場合は例え年齢が行っても呪縛の存在さえも気付かずに苦しみ続ける人も居るし、その呪縛の存在を認識していて親を恨み続けなければいけない人も居る。自分には選ぶ余地の無かった親に一生を揺さぶり続けられるのだ。時々、その部分だけを人生半ばで気付いてしまうことがある。逃げ場が無くなる。唯一の逃げ道は自分で自分の人生を終わらせること。そして陥りがちなもう一つの“逃げ道”は、かえって逃げるどころかもっと自分を窮地に追い詰めてしまうのに、“諸悪の根源”である暴力の出所を“無くして”しまう方法だ。それを思いつくくらい、或いは考える間も無く体が動いてしまうくらい、切羽詰っているときには、その後がどうなるかなどと想像をする余地が無いのだ。ましてや若ければ若いほど逃げ込もうとする路地はどんどん狭く短くなる。
私も、数ヶ月前に父が他界した事を知った時、何より先に一番最初に頭をよぎったのは、「私が殺す前に自然に死んでくれた」と言うことだった。普通の方には簡単に受け入れられる思いではなかろうし、解ってもらおうとはこれっぽっちも思わない。異常でなければ解るわけが無いのだから。そんな私だ。この事件はただの他人事とは思えなかった。確かに人を殺めることは悪いことであるのは間違いが無い。ただ、なぜそうなったかの理由の部分に社会の大きな問題が潜んでいることを忘れて欲しくないと思う。
When I was young, not realising what kind of situation I was in, I used to feel some kind of really heavy pressure, the pressure being under my father’s autocratic mental occupancy, and I tried to release that feeling with the way, which was not right but often people take. Telling my situation to the people around and hoped they would understand how horrible situation I was in. And another big mistake I took was, I thought the biggest impact I would be able to give the people would be violence that my father used to exercise on us. But the reaction of all was same; they said it is his way of discipline.
I say this clear, there is a huge difference between “discipline” and “violence”, and there is a clear boarder line between good and bad. Once you step over that line to the “bad” side even with your toe, that is nothing but “violence”.
Basically, there is no use of hitting/punching or kicking when you discipline human beings. Please think about it. For babies and toddlers who still cannot communicate well enough with languages, if the languages are not working of course hitting or kicking doesn’t work. After they learn languages, explaining the situation first what is wrong every time whether they understand well or not, then there are so many “regular” way to let them understand or learn good or bad like; if they still trying to touch something they are not supposed to do, for example, then grab their hands, or holding their hands before they start running. What I want to say here is, they are humans not animals, then you should treat as humans. It might cause some arguments if I explain in this way, but for example, the people who love their pets communicate with their pets with languages, aren’t they. The pets, in return, try to understand their masters’ intention with their basic instincts. If a kid cannot respond in the way supposed to be, there is a big chance that child is already has been treated in wrong way, or has some inborn disorder or physical problem that should be taken care by professionals, I would say. There is a huge misunderstanding that people think hitting or kicking is working as a part of discipline when children stop what they are doing just for that moment, but that is not “discipline” because they are not stopping it understanding what they were doing was a bad thing and had to be stopped. Even for the children who already understand language, and they say “I am sorry”, it doesn’t mean they are learning. They are just saying that for hoping the violence they are receiving would stop, and that cannot be “discipline”. I still clearly remember keep saying “I’m sorry” not knowing what was going on while we were hit. I asked mother what we had done that often to be hit, then she declared that we had not done anything wrong. We were just playing like all the kids do, but the voice were kid’s voice and high, my father got irritated and hit us for stress relief. We were his sandbags.
Now, the reason why I pick up this subject is, just a few month ago, there was an incident which occurred in Hokkaido, Japan, and I just couldn’t ignore that.
High school student killed her mother and grandmother. There had been reports to the authority that the girl was receiving Domestic Violence. But this girl’s understanding was different. Her understanding was “being strictly disciplined”. Of course it was. This is just my guess but she has been treated like that even before she got her own sense and turned out to be a victim. She had been brain washed by her mother what she had been receiving were “discipline” not “violence”. There would be no choice for the girl if she had been taught that way. She grew up without knowing there is different way to look at that. I know as a fact the people who have never received DV would not be able to believe or imagine the situation, but that is the situation.
On the other hand, the other way around pattern is easier to be revealed. It is the situation that children work violence to their parents. In that case, the parents who had not had experience of beaten up get into the life with it, so there is a big change on their life, then it is easy to recognise or being recognised by the others. But there are many cases that the parents try to hide it because the targets are “parents”.
Still, as I mentioned, the situation children work violence towards their parents is much easier to become open than children beaten up by their parents.
The “curse” of DV by parents to children would affect the children’s whole life. It is not that easy that you can get away from the curse if you leave the parents place after you grow up. Fortunate for me, there is only one last “chain” to cut left over, but still there is no progress at the very last moment, and trauma will stay with me till I die. There are tons of people who even never notice the existence of “curse” and keep struggling all through their life. Or many people are aware of “curse” and have to keep hatred within them which is miserable life. It is almost like being controlled your life by your violent parents without a choice. Sometimes people notice only that part at the middle of their life. Lose place to go. The only way they think they can get away would be ending their life by themselves. Another way those people easily take by mistake is, although the way would put you in worse situation, but “demolish the source of evil”. There is no room in their mind for think what would happen if they do that as much they think about that or do that without thinking. Especially young ones are living on the edge without any alternate escape routes.
The very first thought crossed my mind when I received a message that my father was dead was, “He passed away before I kill him”. Normal people wouldn’t take it, and there is no intention for me to ask anybody to understand that feeling because unless you are crazy, you wouldn’t understand that. I was in that situation. I couldn’t ignore the incident I got to know on the news. There is no doubt that murder is a bad thing. However, there is a huge hopeless problem underneath why it occurs.