Well,
i know that i'm connected/responsible for all my "problems". I know that.
My craziness, "rage & panic" moments, schizophrenia, not be able to trust anyone, whimsical, too thinking, jealousy, paranoid,fear ... ruin every link i have with other. I'm the only one who can change that situation. People who tell me (even with good intention) what i have to do to change or feel better annoys me. They're thinking i don't know what they say to me ? I know.
~
I ruined all of my social relations(hip) recently. There are people with i still don't know why.. but i accepted the situation. I still have a link with B-san but this isn't going well. It degrades more and more. We always fight, or misunderstanding, or something else.. then we re-talk together after one or two day. Like idiots. I'm tired of the situation. I'm like just waiting that she leaves me after to be too tired. Both of us suffer. Both of us are in a semi-depression, me for longer. /.../ This week her best-friend pulled her out of her depression. At least try something. I'm very grateful to that friend because i can't do anything. Am i really B-san's friend ? I just increase her depression with my crazy-mind. /.../ Then, that makes me remember i lost my "best friend" . I'm not jealous of that friend, but i really want a friend like that. I'm not saying that because i want to fix things with my past-bestfriend. I don't want to. It was a one side love/friendship. We were friend but not "best friend". I understand me. Then she hurt me with her thinking (and her contempt to my beloved SexyZone). We just can't be beside the other anymore. I have pride and, i don't want to be a "little puppet" anymore. /.../ B-san treats me well & said she will always beside me. Because of my past and my crazy-mind i can't trust her. I don't want to be hurt anymore but, i feel lonely and need a friend at the same time. Torture mind. I'm among those who think that we can only have one "best" friend. So, when she try to pull me out of depression (like a best friend do ) i reject her friendship while thinking it's fake. I'm so stupid. I know the definition of best-friend (or knew like it is past and one-side love) but don't know the definition of friend. I have no friend (like i don't trust anyone) and that, nobody wants to understand it. Show me what "friend" mean.
Even if B-san hurt me twice she still has my semi-trust. She is special. She already has her best friend (and it seems to be a true love). As i'm thinking, she can't be mine. So she can be considered as a friend ? Unclear. I don't know. I'll just wait.. i need something like a proof for to trust her at 100%. But i don't have the right to ask her something like that. It's not something we can ask. Otherwise it influences and can't be considered as real.
B-san inherited of so many apprehension/doubt/and more caused by my past relationships. I feel sorry for her. If she resist to my crazy mind and still be here in the future, i'll always be grateful.
*:..｡o○☆ﾟ･:,｡*:..｡o○☆*:..｡o○☆ﾟ･:,｡*:..｡o○☆
Hmm... i -initially- wanna write something here to talk about the fact i was vexed about a B-san act.
But i wrote all that long text. Sorry, but it helps me to feel better.
Well.. now i feel better .. i can talk about that "vexed" feelings XD. B-san told me that it's ok if i love B.A.P. I not consider me as a real baby, but i truly love them. Maybe i'm not a real baby yet ?! I don't know. I have a "bad past" with K-group and their fandom... and even if we told me this fandom is not like the other, i'm suspicious. As soon as B-san told me it's ok for me to love them (without getting angry ) i was thinking like we were like a mini-fandom/family who can share feelings/informations and more (between us). She knows how much i love Dae" and my baby Up' . She shared with the "official" fandom some videos (fanart) of the boys. And it's ok if i'm not the first one with whom she shares things. But she does not told me anything about this video where my beloved baby Up is toooooo cute. So i was vexed. In plus.. i love lovey-dovey/cute things AND THIS IS SOOOOOO CUTE :
I was vexed but, the over-cuteness of the video make me feel soo "gaga/idiot" XD. Jongup is so cute
. 私の英語って、最悪 (笑).
ドンホはユーキスを辞める。健康のため。なんか、悲しいけど。。あの子が健康にいるのが欲しい。
今年の夏で、ユーキスのコンサートに行くことが良かった。
神宮寺はセクゾの10日のパフォーマンスでいなかった。そこから、彼のニュースがない・・・
神宮寺は大丈夫/元気ですか?? 心配しているよ
!!!フランスの税関で問題があったと私はまだ私のSexyZone CDを受け取っていない
...私の日本の友達に会いたい。I miss them. 彼らと話したい (♥).
私の好きなメンバーです。私は超ラッキーじゃねぇーー 
[#Proud] コンサートでとか、「Warrior Jp.」のプロモーションでとか、頑張れぇへへﾍ(ﾟ∀ﾟ*)ﾉ !!!
