Before you decide to give your marriage and go through the divorce procedures, if you have children involved, you should really consider the effects of divorce on children first. There are many couples who wrongly and selfishly feel that marriage is just between the two adults so they have the right to decide whether they want to remain together or move on with their lives. However, that is fine only if you do not have any children. Otherwise, put yourselves in their shoes and consider their feelings first before you take any drastic measures.
The worst thing that a parent could do is to put their child through a traumatic experience. As such, unless your spouse has turned violent or abusive towards you or to your kids, any relationship could be salvaged. So how do children deal with divorce? This really depends on the age and maturity of the kids but regardless, they will be affected, especially if the marriage did not end amicably.
If the kids are still very young when the divorce takes place, they might not even remember their parents being together in the first place. On the other hand, the older children will even remember how the divorce had taken place. They will not forget the situation they were in when they learn about the divorce.
Therefore, it is vital that parents learn about the various effects of divorce on children of different age groups. You will also have to understand your child's character so you can predict how well your child can take the news. In this way, you can prepare yourself before you break the news to your kids. Depending on the child, some might view it simply as life without one parent but some kids might take it very personally and life becomes totally different.
Do not think that just because the kids are not old enough to even speak, they do not understand the emotions of their loved ones around them. They will still be able to feel stressed and are definitely able to tell when their parents are feeling upset about something. You will be able to tell from their behavioral changes such as being very clingy, excessive crying, fear of strangers or changes in eating and sleeping patterns. Some young kids, around 3 - 5 years old, might even be able to voice their queries about the missing parent.
Even if your child is older, around 6 - 11 years old, and is likely to understand the term 'divorce' because they know of someone else in the same situation, it is also possible that they might display changes in behaviors. You may also be surprised at the tough questions that they might you, so be prepared for them. However, do not avoid their questions and do your best to help them understand the situation better as they might not be able to handle it on their own. Coming to terms to a divorce can be very tough for young children.
For older kids, even though they are more matured and can better understand what 'divorce' is all about, the issue you have to watch out for is that they might blame themselves for the separation. A common sight is to see them getting angry with one parent and showing extra support and love for the other. Do not turn your kids against your spouse even if you have divorce matrimonial to go separate ways. That will not be beneficial for their development. Try to get them to understand that both parents are equal even though you are not together anymore.
Never pour your grievances or hurt for your spouse on your kids, get another adult if you need emotional support yourself. Your kids have been hurt enough by the separation, spare them from anymore agony. Showing them that both of you are still a united front as parents would benefit and help them better in coming terms with the divorce.
I understand that going through a divorce is very hard for you but you do not have to pass on your pain to your children. Remember, this is going to be more difficult for them than it is for you so if you really have to go your separate ways, you have to be strong enough to cater to their needs too as the effects of divorce on children is going to last for the rest of their lives! Therefore, if possible, you should first try to save your marriage and stop divorce instead! Only abusive relationships cannot and should not be salvaged.
There are few events more emotional than deciding that a divorce is your only option. You need to know what to expect and how to address what will be a life-altering scenario.
I have more than 9 years experience in the family law/matrimonial arena and in those years, I have complied quite a few tips for people considering divorce. But, here at what I consider to be the "Top 10" Tips you should know:
1. Your divorce lawyer is your key source of information...but he/she is not your therapist.
2. Be sure to copy all records and files you see in your home or business. Never assume that a document is unimportant.
3. Never destroy any records and files.
4. Do not involve your children in your dispute with your spouse. Your children will know that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce, so you don't need to involve them. Let your kids be kids.
5. Cooperate and communicate with your lawyer.
6. Do not confuse your attorney's advocacy on your behalf with animosity toward your spouse's attorney. You need your attorney to have good relations with the other side or else you will spend more in legal fees than might otherwise be the case.
7. Your attorney is charging you for his/her time so be sure to group your questions together or call only when necessary.
8. Let your children's schools and day care centers know who is and who is not allowed to pick up the children.
9. Know where your children's passports and other vital records are located.
10. Be sure to ask questions.
Nothing herein is designed to create an attorney-client relationship and is not intended to convey legal advice.