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Sometimes I just sit in my bed watching Star Trek: TOS, and I feel so weird.
That show truely inspires so much, it's amazing, it gives me hope, it's such a great work done, it's a legacy and it's certainly amazing. I just try to stop the tears but I can never deal with it.
It wasn't really succesful, but after a few years everyone started watching it, then the movies, the next shows, and now the reboot. At the end of the year starts the filming of Star Trek XIII and it makes me so happy. Not only because of the amazing creation and edition and the study of its universe, not only because how well it was written, but because I feel so good when anyone talks about it.
A month ago, or so, I watched a documentary about space and the posibility of creating the USS Enterprise. I felt so happy because they included lots of footage and material of Alternate Universe Series (Star Trek XI & XII). I started crying after a few minutes because I felt so "pure", so happy, like the same little girl that loved so many things, and I found myself truely loving something again. I started crying because lots of people (cientifics, people from production and from the NASA) talked about how inspiring was Star Trek for them, and I just wanted to cry because it killed me.
I can't even watch the whole show yet (I haven't finished series 2 yet), but I think about the end of the five-year-mission and I feel awful and I just want to cry. Not only because it's unfair, but because I feel like everyone was so sad and insecure about it.
I, particularly, feel like Jim was really scared. I know James Kirk was self-centered, and ambicious as fuck. But he loved his crew, he felt so responsible for them, and he loved his girl, he loved his Enteprise. And I don't even know how to face the fact that may have felt like a piece of shit for being succesful at the same time he lost everyone. Losing his chief officers.
After reading Allegiance in Exile, my whole perspective changed into what it really felt. Reading isn't the same as watching, because the show is actually just action and the interaction with new civilizations. Out of 27 episodes I've watched, I still haven't found much episodes where I can actually feel what the characters feel, and a deep study of themselves. I mean, some episodes are important for each one, but they don't tell you how affected they are for more than a minute. 
Reading how James Tiberius Kirk was scared of being an Admiral, how he didn't want to lose his crew, his Enterprise, really made me cry, because it was his whole world. He lost his family, he lost the woman he loved, and even with that, he kept doing his work, even after losing lots of security guards aboard the Enterprise. How he was meant to leave that behind, I wondered how Spock would feel, how Bones would talk to him and give him dumb advices on what not to do to stop the same lovely dumbass he was.
The character that got to me, touched my heart, was Leonard McCoy. 
I watched "The Man Trap" and I fell in love with the character too quickly. Then, I discovered the existence of AOS (because it was really hard for me to watch TOS not knowing what the whole show was about) and that motivated me far enough to stick with the show and its whole complex world and characters. Really, it's hard to know this man, but I know he's the southern grumpy wise gentleman who loves helping people, who will never let anyone down because he's not selfish, and he cares -maybe too much, but he never forgets-.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy by Karl Urban won my heart, really. He was perfect in the role, and everything about him and his relationship with the rest of Triumvirate really hit home. The way he tries to help, the way he sees the world. I might not be an amazing doctor, but I have the same vision of the cruel, but lovely, world, that needs compassion and advices and opportunities. The way he talked to Kirk, how he is, indeed, the soul of the Triumvirate gets to me in a way that nothing has ever touched my heart.
DeForest Kelley, and my thoughts about him always makes me cry. Because I will always think that he was Bones. His relationships with Bill and Leo are similar to Bones' with Kirk and Spock, his way of talking, of wanting simplicity, and just love, peace, living alone with his family and just being himself without wanting all the attention. I don't think he wanted to earn lots of money and be famous, I think he wanted to inspire and live his own life that, casually, involved TV and a succesful TV show, later turned into many amazing things.
He passed 15 years ago. That's a lot. I mean, I was barely 3, and I never knew anything about him. DeForest Kelley is one of the most amazing and honests man, and I think he deserves the freaking world. He inspires me so much to keep dreaming, to keep writing and fighting. He's missed, and he will always be missed. 

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Today I was going to go out with a friend. I thought I should try, because if I'm not going to therapy, then I should try to get better by myself. 
She asked me yesterday to go to a Sherlockian meeting today, and I was really excited, becase I love these things. But after a few minutes of trying to decide, I kind of fucked it up and I couldn't stand my anxiety, so I wanted to tell her that I wanted to, but things happened, my mum got angry or whatever (ﾉ_-｡)
I feel like I've failed, even though we both cancelled because it's too early and we want to stay home and eat. So we started planning our slumber party. I really want to go, so I've basically tried every affirmation because I really want to spend a nice time with her. She's a nice person, a safe person for me, and we're going to watch Game of Thrones that night, so I hope we have a nice time. I'm going to bake a cake, and we'll eat nice things :). I just reaaally want to have a nice time with a few friends, I know it's hard, but also, I know it'll be okay because I won't have to worry about hiding myself .
I guess I should try, you know? It can't be that hard. But the anxiety attack today fcked me up and I binged on pizza and throwing in it up is really hard, so... I'm not having a good time.
I'll try to call my dad now, but I don't know if I'm going to find him in my grandma's house. I can't call to his cellphone, so, yeah... (´＿｀｡)
I'm just, not doing great... 

PD: This blog will be an anxiety record from now on. I need to write somewhere without feeling awkward, and it's like therapy, so I'll try to keep record. That means: I will write a lot. 

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Yesterday I had the best orgasm I could've wished for. God.
Today I went to UNI, but the department was closed and I'll have to wait till Tuesday to go again (with a friend ).
I'm really tired and in an hour or so, supernatural will be airing in LA again after a whole year. I'll re watch season 8, and later, the premiere of Hannibal s2.

I got my nails done today





I'm sorry, I'm so fat, ahaha.