中国語原文： http://bellmsky.blog124.fc2.com/blog-entry-246.html
香港の私は日本語が悪いから、とりあえず英語と中国語Ver.だけを発表しました。
この後はもう一回日本語に翻訳してみますけど。
実は、英語でもそんなよくないですから、原文の内容を完全に翻訳はできません。
何変な部分を発見して、教えてもらったら、ありがとうございます。
Chinese Ver.: http://bellmsky.blog124.fc2.com/blog-entry-246.html
I'm not good at all at both Japanese and English but I think I'll try to translate it into Japanese later.
There might be something strange in the article either because of the language barrier.
It would be highly appreciated if anyone could be so nice to let me know about the mistakes found in the composition.
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If love can only belong to human, why did the pain of it have to fall on me, who's only an effigy...
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It's that special season with lots of illuminations and ice flakes. The weather's getting colder and colder. Sitting beside the window, I could see the icy crystal fluttering violently for a few days. Master and I finally got back stage right after the storm stopped. It's probably the best time I could have when I performed in front of the crowd. My limbs moved with the motion of the strings linking to Master's hands, dancing along the stories he wrote for me. It's the only way that could made me feel my merit.
Before we came to this place called "amusement park", we're buskers who have our play on the street, earning just a few dollars thrown into Master's bag everyday. Until one day someone wearing splendid clothes came to us when Master's putting me back into his case. He seemed so excited after listening to what the man said. When we got home, Master put me on the table and said, "We are going to live way better!" Master used to talk to me like this. Just by seeing his smile, I felt so pleased either even if I didn't understand most of his words.
And no later, we moved in this amusement park. The people came to watch our performance were way more, but also farther in distance. The room where we stayed was warmer, but also I'm much lonelier. Master got closer and closer with the others performers of the amusement park. They always went out and left me in the room all by myself. Having someone who could respone to him, Master didn't need me anymore. Only when we're on the stage, he would look at me and only me, telling the story made for me.
Finally that day had come. It's when our show ended again. I bowed and waved the audience goodbye just as usual. What's different is that a girl still sat on her chair, staring at me without one move. I looked back at her, and I could feel her look through me, even through the background where Master hid in, looking at someone faraway.
"Lady, are you ok?" Master pulled the strings and made me jumped when he spoke above me, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
That girl hadn't answer. She slowly walked towards the stage and stopped right in front of me. There had been a long time since the last time I saw someone's face this close. Her black fringe was placed by an exquisite hairpin, showing her swollen, moist eyes. A bite mark made by herself could be clearly seen on her delicate underlip. Her pale hand caressed my face. I can see the terrible red scar hidden under her sleeve.
"Oh dear!" Master screamed and pulled me a bit away from her, "Isn't it a bit abrupt, my lady?" It sounded fake and exaggerated. It was my voice during the show.
"I'm sorry..." The girl replied finally, "What is your name, clown?" I thought she knew it so well that in fact it's Master who's going to answer, but her enchanting brown eyes were staring at me right from the beginning.
"Ho ho~ That's kind of unnecessary, isn't it?" Master said and pulled me up and down to do something stupid for cheering her up.
"But it's so sad not to have one..." The girl's voice trembled.
Master stopped speaking and the move of his fingers. I could feel his surprise through the jolt of the strings. Despite the silence, the girl continued her speech, "I was afraid of clown when I was young. But then the fears disappeared, and I turned to feel sorry for them." She couldn't help but to put her hand on my face again. She rubbed my mouth, which was drawn and could only be laughing. "Every time I saw this smile, I tended to think how much sorrow was probably there behind it. Now I know everyone will anyway become like this..."
She cried and took her hand back. I kept looking at her. My eyes made by marble could not cry as she did, but I could feel that inexistent part in my chest, was being tugged by an invisible string, not by Master, but the tenderness of the girl standing in front of me. I knew she might be upset just because of her own matter, but looking into her eyes, listening to what she said, I could feel the compassion I missed so long.
Suddenly, I started to move again. Master pretended laughing with an awkward voice and said, "I really don't need a name~ I just wanna see everyone smiling~ Com' on~ Smile for me~"
The girl raised her head up to look at me again. She wiped away her tears and put on a smile so unmatched to her frown, and left after nodding at us.
It's the first time I hated myself being not able to move. I wanted to ask her to stay a bit longer. I wanted to hold her hands. I was scared of the fact that we might not meet again.
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Since that day, I kept waiting for that girl to come again. I couldn't help but to look for her whenever I got up stage. I couldn't stop thinking of her whenever I got back room. I miss her gaze on me. I miss her hazel eyeswith tears.
Every time I thought of her, the unexistent part felt tugged. I sweared to God I did want to see her again. I did want to hear her voice again. I did want to feel the warmth and softness of her palm.
Is this unexperienced emotion "love"?
Under this yearning, the season when the world was full of illumination and white crystal had come again. The palpitation got stronger and stronger. I could sometimes even hear the sound "rat-tat" echoing in my bosom.
Eventually, I saw her again.
On a day covered by snow, the doorway was too bright to be looked at because of the sunray reflected by the icy ground. Audience entered through the dazzling light but I could barely see them until the doors were closed. What I first saw was that familiar, delicate hairpin.
Her hair had grown longer. Her eyes were no more swollen and red either but with light eyeshadow instead. Her pink lips were bending upward beautifully while her brown eyes staring at the man sitting with her, holding each other's arms.
The show started. I wondered whether it's just my delusion. I felt some unusual quiver of the strings. Master's voice seemed strange either. The scene I saw was all blurred like a soaked painting, except the girl and her lover. My world was dividing. The twitch in my chest got more and more violent, like a monster trying to break out.
"Clang"
I heard a sharp sound coming from nowhere. Master paused for a second, and then performed an unseen play to get me out from the show earlier than it should be. He put me on a chair at the backstage, and removed my clothes for a check. I could see how stunned and sad he was by his expression. He patted me at my head, sighed and then turned to the staff there to ask for another doll. He tied some strings on it and go out to finish the play.
After Master had left, two staff came to me and gazed at my body. One of them said frowningly, "How can it be like this?"
The other one knelt down in front of me. He fondled my chest pityingly and said, "It's already an old doll anyway." In the reflection from his eyes, I saw that there was a black rift on my chest.
The unexistent part of me, my heart, had come and been broken...
The two staff looked at me for a while more and then left with a sigh. Watching them leaving, I remembered the scene when the girl left the theater last time. I wanted to go back to the stage. Even just one glance, for just a second, I wanted to see her smile again. However, all I could do was to sit there, not being able to move no matter how hard I tried. Without someone pulling my strings, I could not make one single step. Without tears, I could not even just express my agony.
"Clang"
The crevice cracked to be longer and deeper. I again reminised the day I first saw that girl. I recall how much I wanted to wipe her tears, how much I wanted to cheer her up. I had never imagined that it would be this painful when I saw her smiling for someone else.
But what could I ask for when I could not even raise my hand without the help of human being? How could I protect her if there's only me? I would never be the one she needed. Who she saw and heard was never the real me. The one who comforted her was not me either. In her world, I was nothing more than an illusion.
People clapped and started to leave the theater when the show ended. Staff went to have rest either and the backstage turned to be extremely silent. The footstep towards the exit reminded me of the scene when of the back of the girl.
[Please don't go! Let me see you one more time! Please just don't go!] I screamed soundlessly.
All in a sudden, I heard two people walking to the opposite side from the others to approach the stage, and then the unforgettable voice reached my imitated ears, "Excuse me. May I ask how is that clown doll?"
Master took a while to consider, and stepped out into the front stage, a place of mine where he had never went out to. He told the girl, "Maybe it's too old, so it's broken and cannot be used no more today." Master sppoke in his own genuine voice.
"May I saw him once more?" the girl asked.
I anxiously waited for Master's reply, but he didn't. He slowly walked towards me, caressed my fissure, dressed me up, and went back stage with me in his arms.
The girl and I finally met each other again.
Master sat down on the side of the stage. The girl came close from her lover. The man just stood there, watching us.
"Hello, glad to see you again." She shake my hand to greet me, and turn back to talk to her man, "He's the doll I've told you."
"It's really lovely. Icy blue eyes are kind of rare. They looked transparent."
"It's him who encouraged me last year..." She turned back to looked at me, while talking to the man behind her.
She raised her warm hand and fondle me at my face. The wound on her wrist had faded into a barely seen scar. She stoop down to me, and kissed me on my forehead.
"Thank you." She said and left with her lover. Master and I kept sitting there, until the next show came...
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Master and I bowed as everyone clapping. He knelt and picked up the money from his bag after the audience left. A warm breeze got by, I looked up to those brick houses and the sky turning red over them.
It has been quite a time since we left the amusement park. Snow had melt and the world started to turn green. At the night after the girl had come and gone, Master repaired me and said, "Let's go to Europe, shouldn't we? The people there seemed to have more interest about street performance." He stopped and looked at the starry illumination through the window, "We anyway can't stay here anymore..."
We performed there on stage for the last time the next day. Every time we got back to backstage, the staff would come to Master and asked about his leaving. Some of them convinced that Master could just find a new doll to replace me to avoid accident and stayed, but he refused gently. [So it's me who hinders Master's career?] I thought to myself and can't help feeling guilty and lonely for my uselessness.
Master had been so quiet and upset for a while after leaving the park. When I recalled how excited he was when he knew he could perform there, I just wished I could disappear. If I had become worth nothing, why was I still existing?
Fortunately, no later since we had come to this foreign country, Master regain his smile. He had drawn me a new face and wrote me a new story. The viewers don't just laugh no more, sometimes they will also cry a bit and usually they will clap or pay more than the others.
We no longer have a fixed place to stay, so we either live in hostels, or ask for a lodge from the local family, or just sleep on street. Wherever we are, Master will put me on his bedside, having a chat with me about the people and the things we had met that day, until he falls asleep. Sometimes he might stare at the light or the night sky soundlessly. His unfocussed gaze is so unreal and solitary that it keeps reminding me of that girl with no reason.
Though I know it so well that we're faraway from each other, I can't help searching for anyone who looks like her whenever I was outside. I cannot forget her. Her eyes, her voice, the warmth of her hands, the touch of her lips,her everything are still sticking in my mind.
I still love her. Maybe I don't have the right to but can't stop loving her. I love her so much that the scar on my chest beats secretly whenever I think of her. I can't forget her, and I don't want to either. I do love her.
[Will there be one day when we can meet again? Maybe I can see her again? She will come up to me once more someday, somehow...]
Thinking like this and convincing myself to believe in it, I keep dancing on the street everyday.
Maybe I will be totally broken into pieces when I see her again, but I still wish to. I just wanna told her before I vanish that I love her and...
[Thank you too...]
--End--
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後期：
最初は結局でピエロさんは壊して、焼き払われたのを書きたいですけど、歌詞だから、このようになってきました。でも、まだ歌詞と違ったことが多いかもしれませんね。
Nemさんの歌詞が素敵ですね。毎回もただ歌詞じゃなくて、もう物語ですね。私の作文は悪すぎで、Nemさんの歌詞に侮辱したかもしれません。Nemさんにも、Nemさんのファンだちにも、ごめんなさい！。゜(゜´Д`゜)゜。
今は女性視点のほうを書いています。翻訳もがんばります。
みんなに意見をもらったら、うれしくて、感謝します。
そして、読んでもらって、本当にありがとうございました！
Postscript:
At the very beginning, I thought of ending the story by writing that the Clown was destroyed and burnt, but I changed it because of the lyrics. However, there might still be a lot differences from the original one.
I love Nem's lyrics as it's not just "words". They're a story every time. And I know my writing is so horrible that it insulted Nem's song. I apologise to Nem and his fans.
But I'm still writing a additional ver. from the girl's vision. And I'll keep on working on the translation of the Japanese ver. either.
It'd be highly appreciated if I can have any feedback about the article. And thanks so much for reading my works.
