Cheers to that.

"To know the devil you are you must remember the devil you used to be" - Lucifer Morningstar

The past three weeks were kind of interesting. I've enjoyed the first part of my Summer holiday and I went to Milan for one week of total relax, good food, shopping, family time and friends. Then I came back to work and off again for five days of total debauchery. I first took those five days off because I wanted to go to this Rockfest thingie, but last minute I realized I didn't really care about the whole thing, so I've just used the free time to catch up with friends I haven't seen in a while. That was a breath of fresh air and a reminder of who I used to be and who I actually am.

I've spent the past few months being slightly alienated. I've hung out with people and dealt with situations that left me drained and slightly bored. When you have to put up with constant bullshit, drama, narcissistic behaviour in disguise, you end up a little worn out and confused even though your personality is well formed and your head is usually on your shoulders. You end up doubting yourself, if everyone around you act a certain way you start believing that the one with problems is you. If abnormal becomes normal, there's a problem. Narcissists will try to make you believe that you are the problem. That your perception is wrong. That you're too demanding, At the same time they'll try to tie you up to them, the moment they fear of losing you they'll do something small to keep you there They'll say that they need you. That you're the only one who can understand. Then back to disrespect again. The emotional rollercoaster will make you even more confused and you'll end up feeling guilty because maybe it's all in your head. You'll feel guilty because you doubt them. It can go on for years. They'll twist your words, twist their own words to make you believe what they want, just to keep you there. At the same time, they'll portray you to everyone as the ones who are more involved in the situation. It's true, they need you. They need your attention, they need your company, They can't stand being alone, because facing their demons is too scary. But it's not fair. Sometimes you have to be selfish, for your own good. The damages can be fatal. It will take lots of time, patience and effort to put your broken pieces together. To remember who you really are and what you're capable of. What you like. It's not worth it. If you're dealing with something similar, if this rings a bell, if you feel like a person, or a group of persons, is poisonous. Run. Let them be. You can't do anything and the damage can be irreversable. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, take time for yourself, trust your guts, trust your inner voice. If it doesn't feel right, let it go. They'll try to come back whenever they see a crack in your defense. Don't let them. They'll start hating you, they'll talk shit about you even to your friends, blaming you, trying to portray you as the one with problems. Then they'll try to come back again. There's no logic in this other than they need attention and since you gave them once, they think they can get it again. It's like a mental game. Let them be, it's their problem, not yours. Don't let this affect you, this ain't nothing to do with you. It's not about your own worth. You are worth it, that's why they chose you.

The Importance of Being Earnest

I'm keeping too much to myself lately. My thoughts are rotting out inside my brain and I guess they're infecting it too. I've been thinking a lot lately, way too much than usual. We all know I'm a natural born procrastinator, so that says a lot. That's why my brain's rotting out and that's why I need some kind of stream of consciousness to clear my mind out.

Words are weird. They mean everything and nothing. They mean anything. Some words are easy to say, those that we know will make other people feel the way we want them to feel. Some words are so damn hard to say out loud, for when you say them you cannot take them back. When you say them out loud, or even when you whisper them, YOU have to acknowledge their actual, literal, objective meaning. As long as you keep them inside your head, you can give them whatever meaning you want. You can actually give them no meaning at all. As long as they're safe and sound in our own head nothing can happen, nothing can change. We're safe and sound too. That's what most of us do most times. As far as I know the hardest words seem to be Sorry, Forgive me, Thank you. There's lots of "I didn't mean to", "I know I did wrong", "I shouldn't have done it". There's lots of "I love you", "I care for you". But how scary it is to apologize. How scary it is to actually put yourself in a position of subordination, asking someone to forgive you. Not to take you back, in any possible meaning, not necessarily romantic. I'm talking about not only acknowledging that you were at fault, but actually putting your pride out there, in the hands of the other person. How hard it is to be humble enough to actually thank someone who helped us. Not a generic "thanks a lot", no. Thank YOU. Because YOU helped me out. "Sorry", "Forgive me" and "Thank you" are the most difficult, bravest words you can say. Not for the other person(s), but for yourself. I myself have learnt to say those words only recently. I choose carefully when it's the case, I don't give them out lightly. But still, I try to use them as often as possible.

Seeking a friend for the end of the world.

When in doubt for a title, pick a random Chris Cornell's song's title. Especially when the post's about Chris Cornell.

Chris Cornell left this level of consciousness last night.

I'm not sure I can put into words how I'm feeling at the moment. How I felt when my friend messaged me the news. It's no secret how much I love, adore, worship, respect Chris Cornell's body of work, be it with his bands (Soundgarden, Audioslave, the brief Temple Of The Dog collaboration) or solo ("Euphoria Morning" is one of my all time favourite pieces of art). His lyrics always manage to hit me like no others'. Whenever I'm down, anxious, mad, I put on something by him (mostly Soundgarden) and I immediately feel like home. Safe. It calms me down. It's like an old, good friend, you don't hear from them all the time but you know they're there all the time.

I started listening to Chris Cornell in the most random way: Nick Carter from the BSB said in an interview that he thought "Euphoria Morning" was one of the best albums of the year (1999 or 2000) and I thought "I have to listen to it". At the time there was no Google, no Spotify, no iTunes, you had to write down the name and go to the record store and pray the album had been released on the European market. I still remember the puzzled face of the record store guy as I kept saying "Cornell, Chris Cornell, solo album", running around looking for the damn thing. I don't even remember how I found out about Soundgarden, but I remember when I finally bought "Down On The Upside", I even remember the way I was dressed. And the joy of that evening when, watching MTV, I saw by chance "Cochise" and learnt that Cornell was the singer of this Audioslave band. It meant I could finally see him live. It was November 2002, my first Audioslave gig was January 18th 2003. Or 21st, I confuse the dates. I wanted to throw my bra on stage, but I ended up tying it around my pants. I went back home like that, can you imagine.

My first festival, Flippaut Festival 2003 in Bologna. I took the train from Milan, by myself since I didn't know anyone who listened to that kind of music. I waited for hours and meanwhile fell in love with other bands like Hell Is For Heroes, The Kills, Turbonegro. Bands I still listen to and love to pieces. The rain after the gig, The moment I almost fell down in the moshpit and grabbed the person in front of me by the tshirt, literally ripping it off his body. Some random naked guy crowdsurfing. The night spent at the train station in Bologna waiting for my train back to Milan because in the morning I had to go to school for some test. I was 18 and reckless, I had this fire inside. I wish I still had it, I lost it along the way to adulthood.

Chris Cornell's lyrics made me understand I was not alone. I didn't have older siblings who introduced me to music, my parents didn't do it either. Not in a really active way at least. They were mostly listening to Italian singers. In the late '90s it was either alternative rock bands like Skunk Anansie and Garbage or plastic pop like boybands and the princesses of pop. Or Spice Girls. Chris Cornell was my actual introduction to rock music, if we don't count Marilyn Manson, who didn't have such a huge impact on me though. To lyrics I could relate to. That made me feel like I was not a weirdo for feeling the way I did. I still remember one summer spent texting with this guy I've never even met in real life (long before MySpace and FB and IG and all this selfie culture), we were just texting and since he didn't really speak English I was trying to explain why Chris Cornell's lyrics were so special translating some of his works, i.e. "What You Are" from the Audioslave days.

"And when you wanted blood I cut my veins

And when you wanted love I bled myself again"

He was so impressed byt this line, which was indeed one of my favourite because it involved blood and you should all know I've always had a soft spot for blood.

Last time I saw Chris Cornell live was last year, 27th of March 2016. The show was sold out but I miraculously managed to find myself a ticket one hour before the start. More than two hours acoustic show, him and his guitar and occasionally some guest musician, his super dry sense of humor. He looked indeed quite old. Like time had finally manged to catch up on him altogether eventually. The best show of my life, which I'll be forever grateful for.

I've read lots of things about the cause of his death. I can only say, if you've ever thought about a Chris Cornell's song, about his lyrics, well, we all know deep down the most probable answer to the HOW. And I respect that. It's just painful. It's half of my life that left this reality. It's the person who virtually managed to shape part of the adult I am now through his work. It's the soundtrack of every important moment, lines that pop up in my head depending on the situation I'm facing. It's true what I said once, when I don't know how to name it, I just pick a Chris Cornell's song's title or verse and it's always appropriate.

I always said the moment I could see Soundgarden and X Japan live would be the moment I could die happy. Well.