It will be his birthday soon.
I kept myself busy to refrain from doing anything impulsive.
Definitely no happy birthday mails/ calls this year...
Nothing that will stir up whatever it is I'm trying to suppress...
Since his blogs are usually post reports, I could only pray that he was doing ok.
His baby brother got married some time ago and I wonder if such auspicious event
Made him.... think of me....? hmmm.....probably....not
Regrets are rather unhealthy.
It eats away at you slowly... gradually and gradually...
Maybe rotting is a more suitable expression.
It's been 3 years and I still ponder (?) on what was it exactly that we shared.
I've never been good at expressing myself and always had a hard time
Trying to explain things to myself let alone explaining to others.
Whatever misunderstandings occurred I always brushed it off like dandruffs.
I think I lack the logical thinking that is essential to what we do as professionals.
We cared for the similar things - going to art galleries, listening to the same music,
Watching movies, eating out and cooking (good?) food.
He was good at outputs - expressing his impression, translating his feeling into words and
Then sharing them with people.
I really envied him for that, I really did.
But personality-wise we were opposites.
He had tons of friends and always had some event to attend where on the other hand,
I would have 1 or 2 get-togethers per month with a few close friends.
He would prefer to relax at Kamakura or Meguro... whereas I preferred more
Dynamic places such as Shibuya, Roppongi or Shinjuku.
Silences between us were comfortable silences.
I never felt I was obliged to talk.
The rendezvous at the smoking room, lunches, were fun...thrilling even.
Him at loss and trying to comfort me when he saw me crying like a tap after drinking
some silly champagne celebrating our new office at YGP.
His self-righteous .... I guess his pride would not let him go
When he found about that certain "occurrence".
However, the promises, compromises he was willing to make, took me off by surprise.
But I betrayed him by stringing him along when I was nowhere near committing myself (at the time).
I lacked the courage whereas he had enough confidence to take over the world.
The confidence now to think of it is just incomprehensible.... intangible
I was given an ultimatum, no... I gave myself an ultimatum.
And the extreme, painstaking choice lead to where I am today.
Sacrifices. Regrets. Numbness.
The loss of friendship (maybe too much of an understatement) we shared is beyond repair
And the bitter after-taste, the unceasing ache around the chest, is something I would never
Ever want to experience again.
It's definitely time to lock up this chest of recollection and throw away the key.
京都のお土産の中一番おいしい
