T^T...

I hate having a life like this...
There is always something standing in the way between us..
Always a person there.. T^T argh..
I don't know why nearly 2 years later, there are still lies...
lies that I need to find and solve myself...
with nobody to help me at all...
If there is even one more thing like this that happens,
I don't know if I can stay around any longer..
sick of feeling like this..

kind of angry..

I feel a bit hurt today...
I go out with my boyfriend to watch movie..
we only spent about 2 and a half hours together
because he decided he would rather play bball instead..
he said he will spend the whole night with me..
only if his friends didn't wanna play..
but of course.. his friends wanna go..
so he left me to play with them...
He said because he never gets to play...
but this is the 3rd time he played this week..
and the first time he went out with me..
last weekend was ruined...
but instead of spending time with me..
he rather go to play again..
even he said he wont go after he notice I feel sad..
but I just feel whats the point...
even if he cancels his plans to hang out with me..
it still wont feel good for me..
feel like I need to force him to stay with me..
when he clearly would rather play basketball..
argh..
I just don't know why I'm always #2..
only wanna spend time with me...
if basketball is not available that day...
then I just leave him to take bus
without even say goodbye to me..
then now he doesn't even say anything about it..
like nothing is wrong..
dunno if he will ever understand that feeling..

University~~

So.. I payed my university fee today.
I got accepted into the 3 universities that I applied at..
I chose the one that has the highest ranking, #2 in the country..
I'm happy about that and I'm excited for this experience
I know people who go to that school, or went there before,
and they all say that the experience is unmatchable.
People there are so mature and you grow so much as a person
I might live in the dorms.. because if I don't,
it will take about 2 hours (on average) to get there from my house
I will be happy if I have the chance to live in residence!
I can finally be independent and away from my parents
It's not that I have something against them,
but being independent is such a good feeling
and my mom smothers me sometimes, and I don't like it
I really hope they will accept me into residence...
There probably isn't a good chance, because I live in the general area
They need to save those rooms for international students.. T^T
praying..!!
However, there is one thing that makes me so sad when I think about it
If I live in the dorms, I will be sooo far away from my BB... T^T
I'm gonna misss him soooo muuuuccchhh!!!!!!!
I want him to come with me but he cannot..
I'm scared he will find a different girlfriend at his university..
and leave me.. T^T then I will be alone 100%..
pewpewpew... T^T
love him so much.. don't wanna be separated from him..
But.. if we are meant to be together, nothing can separate us right?
That is what I keep telling myself... to make myself feel better
Even his mammi is telling me to go to that university...
because it is a good opportunity..
My BB is most important to me, but I need to go to this school..
Really hope things will be okay..!!! I don't wanna lose him :(
*sniff sniff* T^T...
Regardless, I cannot wait..
I hate high school.. I'm so DONE with high school..!!
I wanted to go to this university for years now..
so I am happy that I have the chance to go!
If I live in the dorms, I heard you can have some people sleep over
They don't even care boys sleep in girls rooms...
so maybe on days my BB doesn't have class next day,
he can sleep in my room with me ^^
I just hope my mammi and papa don't find out xDDD
Today, when I was talking with them
they said once I graduate, they consider me an "adult"
Does that mean they will start treating me like one..?
I really hope so.. I'm sick of being treated like a little kid..
I'm not..!! I'm mature.. and independent..
I don't need anybody to take care of me! although..
I love it when my bb takes care of me =D hehehe
Me and him will go to HK soon!! @@
I still didn't study cantonese... shxt!
I want his mammi to think i'm a smart cookie xDD
I'm still scared about the airplane too.. =.=
I hate airplanes.. I know they are safe but..
I just hate the feeling like that..
I even hate being inside cars...
I think I was meant to be born hundreds of years ago
when all people did was walk =.=
I'm an old-fashioned girl I guess xD
ARGH.. really cannot wait for university life..
Can finally do my own thing..
I cannot believe I am this old already!!! I still feel like I'm 15!!!
but now, I am almost 18... =]
I really wanna get a single room.. !! If I even get a room at all..
So small and cute >< hahaha
But then I will need to become a clean girl!
No more messy room!!

Giving up..

I don't know why I ever tried to learn new languages...
I wanted to learn Chinese because there are so many Chinese people where I live..
so so so many...
more than Caucasian people..
I felt I should learn how to connect with them.. and their culture..
Give me more opportunities in life..
give me more chances to make friends...
but my whole life..
people just make fun of me..
for trying to connect with them.. to understand them...
said I wanna be like them... said I'm jealous of them..
even though I'm so proud to be where I am from... really..
I hate getting teased by them..
Now.. both Caucasian people and Chinese people hate me or whatever...
say some weird things about me..
I don't understand why they can learn English...
but I can't learn another language..
shouldn't I make fun of them for trying to be part of my culture instead..?
It's hard work to learn a new language..
I might as well not even try anymore..
Even my own boyfriend feels that's a negative thing..
When this whole time..
I was just trying to learn his culture to connect with his family..
Every time we argue he brings up something bad
saying I only like asian boys, I try to attract them
when that isn't even true..
I liked white boys before and even one black boy before too..
They just never liked me back..
That's it... that's the only reason why I only dated an asian guy before..


I should just go live in Antarctica with the penguins and be alone...
That's the only place where people wont make fun of me
that's the only place where I can be peaceful..

wishing..

wishing my boyfriend would read this...
wishing he would be more close to me..
more romantic to me..
more caring of my feelings...
instead of just going crazy whenever something goes a little wrong
"you can go home now.."
those words really hurt..
I thought he would at least hug me goodbye...
Especially since all day.. I was waiting for it..
I feel like he doesn't really want to be close to me..
or be around me anymore...
Even though I just keep trying to be close...
Keep tell him to hug me or ask him if he love me
but he doesn't react.. or just act without emotion..
like he doesn't really want to do it...
Maybe our relationship just got boring... dull....
I can't feel he is attracted to me at all..
Today, in the hallway, I saw a couple I kind of know
The girl was carrying so many books and cannot hold her bf's hand
but he just put his hand on her waist and touch her shoulder
so that he can be close to her...
I usually need to ask my boyfriend to hold my arm..
That just made me feel really weird when I saw them..
Wonder why my boyfriend doesn't wanna hold me close anymore..
Maybe I just annoy him too much so he feel like that's a chore..
I thought he know that no other boy can steal me from him..
even they annoying me, nothing will happen
I just ignore them or tell them I have a boyfriend
if they don't listen I just ignore 100%..
but I guess he doesn't trust me..
I just wish it can be different...

Didn't write here in a long time..

Lately, I feel like I am failing in life.
I am so lazy and tired all the time.
I never want to study or do anything productive.
I would be perfectly happy just sleeping all day.
I recently became close with some old girl friends.
I'm really happy about that.
I never knew what I was missing I guess.
I always wanted to study science,
but recently I want to go into languages.
I switched my university faculty to Arts.
I hope that was a good choice!
I didn't even go to school today..
My eye is swollen, and when I woke up this morning,
I really didn't want to go with a swollen eye
but now that I think about it, that was a stupid reason to not go...
Argh.. oh well, I had a test today too in calculus.
I think that is why I really didn't want to go.
Being in that class made me realize that I have no passion for science.
I love communicating with people, not figuring out math problems.
I love biology, but not the stuff that goes with it.
I don't think I am set out to be in university for science.
I think I will always be reluctant to study.. and then I will get kicked out.
I might as well just go into arts and do something I enjoy.
Lately, I've been trying to eat healthier.
I have been eating dragon fruit and pomegranate,
along with 龜苓膏, 小白菜 and 涼茶
I believe if I eat healthier.. I will feel less lazy and tired all the time..
I just want to drop calculus but my school wont allow me..
I hate that class.. so boring..
Oh well.... I just want to do well in Biology and History,
Also, I think I want to make youtube videos..
It will be fun and give me something to do in my spare time.
I also need to get a job... argh!!!!
Okay well, I gonna go to homework now ~
TTFN, tata for now.

In pain...

There is seriously something wrong with us...
everything I say... everything I do... is wrong...
and then I always get mad at you so easily too..
maybe we just care too much...
love is selfish right?
I wanna be so careful...
I dont want anything ruin us...
Im really trying...
but you aren't making it any easier too...
I need to be one of those people.. who never talk
who can handle just being silent and dealing with everything
by themselves... inside their own heart...
because it's always me voicing my opinions
that causes a fight....
it's always me saying sorry...
it's always me saying I love you....
it's always me begging you to come back....
is it really always my fault..?
Im trying ... so hard...
I just can't control myself sometimes
when something is bugging my heart I need to make it go away
I need to let it out...
but now I just need to be a person with a poker face..
totally blank always..
nobody can read what I'm thinking or feeling..
maybe that's the only way to make this relationship work..
I love you so bad..
Even there is so many things hurt me too..
I never said we should break up..
but now, you always seem to break up for every reason..
every little thing makes you want to leave me...
before , you were so gentle... you never tried to make me cry
now I feel I could cry everyday and you wouldn't feel bad...
this relationship is so important to me...
why is God doing this... why is this happening...
one minute we can be so happy
talking about how we can save money together
for our future...
next we are gonna break up for a stupid thing...
yes maybe I did limit you too much..
maybe I should just let go and let you do what you want..
hold a butterfly too tight will crush its wings..
so i should let you fly right?
but I don't wanna lose you...
i never though I would have to say the words
"dont leave me"
to you...
out of all the people in the world...
I thought u would be the one love me forever...
you say im selfish...
but I will work so hard to be better for you....
if you give me a chance...

Happy New Years`

I have so much stuff to update... but it's 1 a.m. now..
I NEED a place to vent..
So.. You'll be hearing from me soon!
I'll post it as an update later ~~~




****UPDATE****
ok... so, I had Christmas in Disneyland this year, as I said before
and it was okay.. but a lot of things happened that really hurt me..
First, my parents were treating me so badly...
My sister is so spoilt.. My parents buy her everything she wants
They always let her have her way
Even she start some fight, they will yell and swear at me...
My dad especially..
Recently, I have become sooo disappointed in him..
for reasons I feel too embarrassed to even write here.
Even my boyfriend noticed the difference in how they treat my sis
compared to me...

But, he is the main reason why I write in this blog now...

Almost break...

School ends on Friday for Christmas break.. thank god...
I'm dying... I can't study or work or do anything anymore
(even though I never really study anyways...)
I just can't handle waking up to go to school.
My classes this semester are so easy... (Just English, Art and Japanese x2)
You think Japanese will be hard cos it isn't my first language..
but I feel it's so easy..
Maybe cos I always heard it before from my friends...
I just hate all the classes. 先生 is just too strict..
give us a test every week, big homework package
and at least one oral exam.. plus project.. EVERY WEEK..
and I have her class 2 times a day.. so thats times 2 for me..
2 tests... 2 homework packages.. 2 oral exams.. projects..

Anyways.. I will go back to school on January 5th, then
my new classes will start in February..
so these classes are almost done forever...

I will go to Disneyland soon =] happy..
I didn't go there since I was younger.
I usually wont really care to go or not..
but this time my boyfriend go with me
so I think I must feel happy...

I saw on my facebook,
my old friend put some picture with his girlfriend
and they went to Disneyland together
then it's so cute, looks so fun
I wanna I can do that with my boyfriend too.

I think my family gonna celebrate Christmas tomorrow or Saturday..
I wanna get my boyfriend so many things. Good things.
He get me a so beautiful ring...
I get him some secret stuff xD I will type it after I give him
hehe just incase he notice I write it here..

Actually I didn't give anybody my アメバ account..
but he still know how to find it = =
but I don't think he really care enough to find it actually = =
asshole.. XD doesn't he wanna know what his girlfriend write??
boys are so stupid...
さようなら ~


P.S. keep practicing Cantonese..

I Hate Her

fxck... she's such a slut
so many pictures with boys she don't even know
gross pictures
but she get your first =]....