未来や希望について

あれからはもう７ヶ月経ったんです。






辛くて苦しくて一人で泣いてた夜はもう遠い昔く感じていますけど、仕事中でも一人でいる時でもいつでも頭があの人のこといっぱいいっぱいです。集中できないくらい、あの人のこと考えてた私でした。




人生始めてこんなに傷付かれたんです。初めて誰かを愛する気持ちを知り、誰かのために心が壊われるほどの痛みを知りました。




ものすごく長い間何もかもに飽きれてしまったんでした。やる気が全然出てこないし、笑うときは本当に笑っていない、話すときは本当に聞いていない状態でした。笑みが偽りで、心の痛みを隠しました。頭のどこかでいつもあの人の姿が浮かんでいました。








でもね、幸いにね、私には、とても大事な家族や友達がいます。周りは支えてくれて、励ましてくれて、優しい人いっぱいいます。心が痛くても、どんなに苦しんでいても、この人たちのために笑いたいんです。この人たちのために充実に生きたいんです。そしていつか、替わりに、私が支えになりたいんです。





今日は、久しぶりに始めて空へ仰いで見てみたんです。


青く青く滲んだ空は無限に広がっていて、私の中のどこかで小さな温もりを感じていました。


久しぶりに初めて気づいたんです。


空がこんなにきれいだなぁって。


自分の未来も、その空のように無限大な可能性持っているんだなぁって。


少しだけ、自信を取り戻った一日でした。








私には未来があります。


私には夢があります。


私には、


希望があります。

Something a bit personal...

I heard somewhere that writing things down help you think things through and move on quicker. So here I am, writing something very personal and exposing, I hope you'll take a moment, and that it in turn, can give you something to think about.

---




I didn't know what love was before I met him.


My first relationship I entered thinking it was love. I was childish. I certainly did like him - much more than anyone else. He was a funny, popular, good looking blond. He smelt nice, he bought me stuffed animals, wrote me letters and we'd chat past midnight. There was nothing wrong with him. In fact, I knew some people who would have shoved me off a cliff to be in the position I was in.

For four months I did all of what I thought were "girlfriend duties": I spent as much time as I could spare with him. I drew him 'monthsary' cards, made him Valentine's chocolates, and comforted him when he was upset. And it wasn't pretend - I did care for him. I was happy with him - but it was the same sort of level of happiness you get when someone buys you icecream.

The first time it hit me that something was wrong was when I caught myself staring out the window and thinking about homework while we kissed. It bothered me and I couldn't shake it off. While we browsed through the mall and arcade one day, I asked him to break up with me. It wasn't easy, and we tried staying friends, but it didn't work. I withdrew further away from relationships.


For 5 years afterwards, graduating university and starting work, I did not get involved in a single relationship. I just didn't feel anything for anyone. All advances were rejected. I went on a date once during those 5 years through mutual friends' encouragement that we'd suit each other only to confirm to myself that I felt nothing (40 missed calls in 2 hours that I left my phone in the bedroom also didn't help his case).

Even though I got attached to people very easily as close friends and I hold them very dear to my heart, I could never see anyone under a romantic light. Once or twice I would wonder why I never felt anything towards anyone. 6 million people in the city and I don't find anyone attractive.

But even then I never thought anything was wrong with me. The hopeless romantic in me always believed there was someone out there destined for me. Someday I would feel it and just know. So I was content spending time for myself.



And then I met him.



We worked in the same profession. The first time I saw him we brushed shoulders entering a meeting room. I found my gaze drawn to him and apparently he felt the same. He approached me and we hit it off. The coincidences, the things that lead us together - for a moment it felt like the stars aligned and it felt like destiny.


The first week of meeting him I couldn't eat. Food gave me nausea since the only thing I could feel were butterflies in my stomach. The thought of seeing him and spending time with him sent my heart racing. And it may sound cliche but every single touch felt like static and magic.


I never felt for someone like I did for him before in my life. Being with him felt right. I loved the way I fit in his arms, I loved the sound of his laughter, I loved the conversations we'd had, and I loved the way he'd close his eyes when he chuckled. I loved him. I loved everything about him. Maybe it was to compensate for not feeling for years. I felt so much so intensely for this one person that I can't even begin to put it into words. He made me the happiest I've ever been. I never thought I'd be the type to get lovesick but I couldn't even concentrate being physically away from him. I loved him so very much.


And then at some point it ran its course for him. I would never know the reasons why or how or when it started. Looking back I knew I deserved to be treated better but at the time I didn't see nor did I care. All I wanted was to be with him and that was all that mattered.

Without warning he moved far, far away from me and claimed long distance was too hard. Never have I felt so ready to give up anything to be with someone. I offered to move to where he was. In his hesitance I found my answer. He sent me a break up email a few days later.




I allowed myself 1 week to grieve and feel miserable. I gave him everything - and to have it torn up and thrown back into my face so disrespectfully was hard to swallow. The love I had left for him, lost, switched between anger, longing, missing, resentment and pain.

For a while I picked myself up with the help of amazing friends and travels. I travelled a lot. And I busied myself with hobbies.


Eventually people started approaching me again but I still didn't feel any attraction. None of it compared to what I felt for him.  

At first I blamed him for breaking my heart - for blocking me from moving on - for preventing me from feeling anything for anyone else. Worse of all I started doubting myself. Whether something was wrong with me. Whether I'm somehow broken. Whether I'm capable of ever loving again.

But then I thought about it.


Had I not met him: I wouldn't have fallen in love. I would still be waiting for someone out there. I would have been content waiting for someone who is worthy of my love. If nothing was wrong with me before meeting him then why would anything be wrong with me now? If I would have been content had I not met him then why shouldn't I be in that state now?  

And I reached my conclusion.


Even though he did cause all the pain and anger I feel right now - it certainly wasn't his fault that I "became" unable to love.

I didn't stop feeling because he left me.

There is nothing wrong with me.


I had simply reverted to being who I was before he was ever a part of my life.

A letter you’ll never read

How are you doing? Are you well?
Are you sleeping right? Please take care of yourself and get enough rest.
Are you happy? Are you taking time out to do the things you love? To spend time with the people you want to be around?

I’d like to say I’m doing well - but I’ve been better. Life still goes on, doesn’t it. Some people say heartbreak is a dull pain that never goes away - like a itchy sweater that continues to itch even after you’ve taken it off. It’s uncomfortable and is a constant reminder for me but I’m trying my best to carry on with life as usual. I’m trying my best to enjoy my life however I can.

Still being in love with you is hard. I try to dwell on all the beautiful moments we had. Like how when I was ill and you took time off work to bring me medicine. Or that time you climbed over the gate to come to me at 4am in the morning. The fuzziness I felt when you protectively shoved off someone who tried to bear hug me. Or that napkin you left at the table to say you were in love with me. Or those walks and kisses in the rain.

But the more I remember and treasure those memories the more I’m reminded of how we’ve lost all of that. Nothing’s left at the end of the line. How did it all disappear? You stopped doing all the little things that made me happy, like occasionally feeding me when we eat out or tucking my hair behind my ear or stroking it when I lie on your lap. I can’t even pinpoint the exact moment in time when we started sleeping with our backs to each other.

It’s so hard to bear to keep all those memories with me without you by my side. So I’ve tried being angry instead. I thought about how your actions didn’t match up to your words. How you said you loved me but moved away from me. How you said you missed me but we’d barely talk. How you said you didn’t want to make me sad but you broke my heart. I would look at the long distance couples around me to see how they treated each other and thought about how I never had that with you. Once you parted away from my side it was as though you became a different person. I fully understand you were busy but it felt like you didn’t think of me at all anymore. I was but another person in a different country.

But no matter if I love you or hate you - it still doesn’t mask the fact that I care. I care immensely. I only wish I could be indifferent towards you but I haven’t managed to achieve that. And now I’m caught in a trap of loving and hating you at the same time.

You know I value honesty and truth above all. Rather than hearing softened blows like how you don’t want to make me sad anymore, I want to know the truth. No matter how cold and hard it is.

I wish I could read your mind. I wish I knew what emotions are going through you.

Have I crossed your mind since then? Do you think about the memories we shared at all? Or have I become a stranger that you don’t want anything to do with anymore? Have you become so completely indifferent of me that I don’t even have a place in your life anymore? I wish I knew.

I miss you.

Not as strongly and intensely as a month ago when it felt like stabs in my heart and a numb left arm.

But sometimes I’d be talking to people, and I would find myself wanting to tell a story about something you did or quote you on something funny you said. I speak of you fondly. I say it as though we were still close. And it all comes out so naturally and so full of nostalgia that for a brief moment I’d still think we were.

In those times - I'd miss you. I miss having you next to me.

I don’t know if you know how much of an impact you have had on me. How I think about things are completely influenced by you. My decisions and actions. Unconsciously I’ve changed so much since meeting you. I guess you could say the same for any meeting - humans are changeable creatures made to evolve. But I believe my meeting with you changed me more so than others.

You know, I’ve been going through some tough times lately. Just as I manage to push myself through, something else happens to shock me into being unable to cope with life. I’ve been trying to cope with emotions and even a death. It makes me numb and I can’t function. I can’t find the energy to bring myself to do all the daily tasks that I need to do. And through all this all I can think of, all I want to do is to talk to you. To ask you what I should do. What do I do? Please tell me.

But I can’t. We don’t talk anymore.

For better or for worse, I don’t know.

Maybe it was a timing issue. Wrong time, wrong place. And we would have worked out if it weren’t so.

But I’m sure if you met the right person, you would change the world for her. You’d meet that one person who’d turn your world upside down and you would do anything to make her happy. And you’d be ready to take the risks. You’d be ready to change your views. You’d be ready to sacrifice and make compromises - as I was ready to do for you. But I guess to you I’m not that person.

Even knowing that - I do hope that one day we’d cross paths again. And that by then we’d find it in ourselves to let each other back into our lives again. It seems a pity to me that someone who was once so important and had such an impact on my life would simply be utterly forgotten.

But at least I’ve learnt to appreciate all those around who love me and want the best for me. It’s opened my eyes to seeing people who care and want to be part of my life. At least I’ve learnt not to take them for granted.

Besides that, all I can do now is to push myself forward. Hope that someone out there will give me the secrets to healing my heart. Teach me to love again.

And write these letters that you’ll never ever read.

I love you.
M

——

I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them
And we help them in return

Well I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun
Like stream that meets a boulder half way through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better but
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learnt from you
You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end
Know you have rewritten mine by being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better but
Because I knew you
I have been changed
For good