Time

Flies.

I think I have a phobia.

My sister said to me, "Don't live in your past".

BUT... Once bitten, Twice shy...........

I have a phobia of people.

I could only say, it's a lesson of life.

I don't know is it because I always think things too beatifully that I get so disappointed.

Then again, isn't it good to be positive?

My recent experiences have made me become so fearful of everything.

And my self-esteem, confidence level, whatever shit just dropped into a dark pit.

They almost died. Maybe soon.

Recently, people have been asking me am I looking for a job.

I'd always answer just looking around.

The fact is, I did look for online and I just do not have the courage to apply for it.

Usually, people would always look at what benefits/advantages the job would provide right?

When I found one advantage I'd start to wonder maybe it's not as good as what is on my mind.

When I found one disadvantage and I'd just close the window.

It's so contradict I know, but I just can't help it.

I'm just so afraid of the people outside.

Maybe I am defeated.

People who hurt my pride.

People who always try to put me down.

People who look down on me.

People who piss me off deliberately.

People who stabs on my back.

People who take advantage of me.

CONGRATULATIONS.

You have succeeded in achieving your aim.

I am defeated.

So much that I might not be able to stand up anymore.

Maybe for now.

And some people e.g. dad just can't stop rubbing salt on my wound.

I thought the person closest should give some encouragement, no?

My closest dad just love to tell me how useless I am.

How "bad" my temper is.

And keep saying that I should CHANGE.

FUCKING CHANGE TO WHAT???

MILLIONARE???

If I ever become one it will NEVER be his fucking effort.

I seriously have tame down alot on my temper.

I don't know what more do they expect.

Keep on telling me to change, keep saying how bad I am, keep putting me down.

HELLO?? DO THEY FUCKING UNDERSTAND I AM NO SAINT AND NO ONE IS PERFECT IN THIS FUCKING WORLD????

As if his temper is very good.

It's in the genes and he should be glad that I did not blame all my bad points to him.

He never admits his mistakes and shortcomings.

He thinks he is saint.

I suddenly feel that I shouldn't be born.

THEY SHOULD JUST GET A ROBOT.

R.O.B.O.T.

OR MAYBE A PUPPET.

No temper and do whatever they says.

Why is he blaming me for not earning more money??

I did not even blame him for not being able to afford my studies??

To hell with fillial piety.

He always tell me to cherish him.

Oh wait, did he bother to cherish his daughters??

Always telling me how good people are and how bad I am.

It's not like I go out everyday everynight take drugs kill people join gang drink alot have different bfs fuck around spend $$ like water.

I know I don't hold a full time job now BUT AT LEAST I work part time and when I go out I go for LESSONS.

I didn't even ask him for money and I still pay my bills by myself.

What wrong did I do??

Don't he knows that his words hurt so much??

Tolerance has its limits...

And oh ya, he's like blaming me for he lost one chance to BOOST.

He said in the reprimand-tone, don't know what I am thinking.

Say I said wanna buy car but don't wanna work hard.

Yes, I did say I wanna buy car BUT I did not say NOW.

I think he's feeling very unbalanced that I gave up a "high paying" job and had to compensate the fuckers.

Well, I didn't have much feelings now for those fuckers who eat my money totalling around $1500.

Since my money so nice to eat then go ahead loh.

People will go like HUH that amount of money can buy lots of things.

WHATS THE POINT OF SAYING THAT MAN.

PEOPLE JUST HAVE NO SYMPATHY AND INSIST THAT I COMPENSATE SO WHAT CAN I SAY??

I am the trouble maker loh.

Anyways, don't know when I will pluck up the courage to apply for jobs BUT I had one thought to myself today.

This 2.5 yrs since I graduated I don't know what I am doing.

Just for the sake of money I did what I am not interested in.

I somehow had the determination to work in tourism industry (minus the lack of courage to apply jobs).

The thought was:

I'd take it as this 2.5 yrs of my life wasted on NS as guys.

Guys learnt when they go NS.

I learnt when I experienced society.

Though the learning never stops but I think I need more time to cool down.

Yes, I admit I am weak.

The strong shall survive and the weak shall die.

Fact is, I am still alive.

I shall bury myself for the time being till my subconcious wakes me up.

Update

seems pretty long since I last update.

maybe it was not that long just that many things happened.

bad things.
guess the only good thing was mayday concert.
it does perk me up abit.


anyway, was juz thinking of updating a post.

shall update again through my laptop if I got the mood.

iPhoneからの投稿

Random thoughts

Have been to a few interviews recently.

Was having some random thoughts about what people say just now.

In the previous entry, I mentioned I was going to an interview who shortlisted me within one hour right?

The people there are crazy.

What the "boss" said affected me greatly, for some unknown reasons.

It made me more emo.

He asked about my family, what do I do during leisure time, what do I think is FUN in life.

He talked about what he think is fun and his hobbies (like who cares?).

He asked me to go and find fun in my life.

Kinda harsh, as in the tone.

Is it wrong to have no fun, boring life and lead a meaningless life?

I almost cried on the spot.

Maybe because he reminds me of what I've buried in my heart.

He claims that I do not concentrate even when I watch TV because I could not answer his question of what TV show impressed me recently.

I just came back from Taiwan for a few days and my mind is still full of the trip!

How could he judge people like that??

I've calm down by now already.

But I was having some random thoughts about what people say to me and it's getting on my nerves.

I've heard umpteens times of "People at your age are usually having fun, blah blah. WHY do you like to stay at home??"

I also HATE IT when people always love to say "WHEN I WAS AT YOUR AGE, >whatever shit they did<"

To me, whatever shit you've done is your own business and your life and it has got nothing to do with me.

I mean, it's not like they are just telling me their experience.

They EXPECT me to do what they did!!

What's the problem with these people??

My dad expects me to work and work and work for as much money as possible, because when he was my age that was what he did.

People outside expect me to be not so hardworking because it is nailed in their mind young people = have fun. Probably that was what they did when they were my age.

What's the definition of fun?

I answered that crazy person learning new things because I could not think of anything at that point of time.

He claims that I am fake and giving that answer because it is an interview.

I think it's fun and I like it when I learn new things, i.e. I just learnt how to change the base word to past tense in Korean language.

How is that wrong?

What you are feeling might not be what other people feel isn't it?

I don't like golf and don't like to watch movies, how wrong is that?

People are so contradicting.

When you have fun they claim you do not think about your life and when you don't they accuse you of not enjoying life.

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF???

And to hell with dreams and ambitions.

My teachers never taught me that.

They merely said to get good results for O levels.

My parents too never taught me that.

They told me to work hard and earn more money while I am young.

I conclude that dreams are for people who can afford it.

If you have no money and are born in a poor family.

Sorry, dreams are not for you.

Blame it on your previous life that you did not do enough good deeds.

Resign to fate is the phrase for you.

More so if you dad's philosophy of living is must earn more money money money money and expect you to have the same philosophy in life.

Interests? Hmm, if it aids in helping you earn more money he will be supportive.

If it is just merely for the fun of it, be prepared to be reprimanded for wasting money (your hard-earned money that is), over and over again till you stop.

If you don't stop, then be prepared to be accused of being rebellious.

Mum. Not as harsh but if you are going to spend money (again, your hard-earned money that is) on whatever things, it seems so wrong.

I'm not using the word "reprimanded" because to be fair, my mum is not harsh.

It's the persuasive way.

Whatever the above is "for your own good", the wrong ways were used.

I hate it when people accuse me of something which they themselves are always doing too.

My dad loves to say that I have a bad temper, talk to me must look at my mood, blah blah.

Isn't it the same for him?? And when he's in a bad mood he vents his anger on us?

Whatever we do is wrong, whatever we don't do is also wrong, we never do or say anything also wrong.

Just had a conflict yesterday with him.

Reason? To him I am the one who started it. Yeah, cos' he's always right.

He commented that Singapore is slow in putting up deco lights on shopping centres and how that darn cheena already started it years ago.

I replied I have no feeling for this country so whether the country develop fast or slow I can't be bothered.

Then was silence, I tried to break the ice by commenting that it's easy to fall sick nowadays due to the weather.

He said people like me with short temper tends to get sick easily.

I replied he also.

He gets defensive and said he hasn't got sick for years blah blah.

I replied that I was merely saying falling sick not sick and he's always heaty with ulcers blah blah what?

Then he 恼羞成怒 and reprimanded me again. Say if I don't change my temper I will get myself into trouble.

I replied by asking so I should change my temper to what??

He said he is not going to tell me (bet he have no answer)

So I replied by saying OK lo, I will change into someone whom would not even say a word when people bully.

Silence again and he brings he anger back home.

I don't care if I am being labelled infillal or whatsoever.

I felt like he's the kind who likes to magnify other people's bad points to make himself seems good.

It's always easier to say how bad other people is than showing other people how good you are.

Many people are like that.

And thus we have the "When you do 100 good things no people will praise you but when you do just 1 small wrong thing people put the blame at you as if fearing the world doesn't know and keep talking about it."

Said is always easier than done.

So people should just shut up.

I often have people asking me why don't I study university.

I answered them I have no money and it's like a set. They got to go on with the second question.

Ask your parents pay la.

And my as set as their question, my answer is my parents have no money too.

Then question 3 in the set for people not so young is

Take loan la.

And answer will be I'll think about it.

Just broke down.

I just rejected the phone call which may be a job confirmation though I'm not sure.

I am so tired of life...

I don't know and don't understand society...

Why do people always like to put people down?

Recently I feel pressurized.

People keep asking me what I wanna do,

When I apply for a job they keep telling me how tough the job is ask me I can do it or not?

I mean, I just say ok to everything, you can't possibly tell them you are not confident right?

Who would hire you?

I feel pressurized because, sometimes it might really be as difficult as dead end and there isn't really anything you can do, or maybe you are not able to do it.

Then if you can't do it they'll put you down by saying you said you could do everything in the interview.

Actually, I felt kinda stupid that the staff used the company's invoice to test me in the interview yesterday.

Every company have a different way of doing things what.

Anyway, my phone rang again and they offered me.

I think I will stop here for this entry.