Somehow I got used to repairing myself. Seems like every human needs this from time to time, because life isn´t perfect and so are we.
Somehow I like the feeling of repairing myself. The feeling of knowing that you survived something that hurt you, so it´s fine to take time for this process.
I hope people find themselfes in this blog and maybe got reminded by the power they have and that some things just need time and courage.
In the last few months I need to repair myself daily. Yes, it also means I get hurt daily. And no, not because of what everyone wants to call unlucky Love. Looking back at it, what happened concerning my love was the smallest problem. It left scars, for sure. I needed to heal in between, for sure. And I am glad I survived it. And I am glad I did what I could for it and he is still all I ever wished for.
But especially this weekend I realized what really hurts me daily. What causes that my concentration disapears in nowhere and what causes the mistakes I make every day, even if they are small. I knew it before, but it needed time to realize how big it´s consequences still are.
I am still questioning if this should still be seen as "normal", because being hurt daily isn´t normal, it isn´t healthy and noone should be allowed to do so, not even if they have the position to tell you what you have to do.
We live in a time where we all feel helpless against the psychological pain caused by unsocial, impolite and regless behaviour. I am still questioning if this is acutally "normal" and if I should still accept this behaviour.
No, do not come up with, that I have to deal with it. You know it´s simply an excuse of people who don´t want to change their painful behaviour.
It was very intensive and exessive the whole christmas time and I am now aware every single day of being confronted with it again, because, well, it still happens. At the same time I realize how under-challenged I am and I feel how frustrated I am that there is no chance for learning more, doing more and working in a company which completely challenges me.
People do not know but being under-challenged leads to the same physical and mental complications like being overstrained. I am sure it also causes people to think you are overstrained, which leads to more under-challenged work. And it leads to wounds you can not cover if you do not repair yourself 24 hours.
Now try to repair youself while you get more and more breaks and scars and still try to go further in your life while working hard and learn.
And inside of me I know it could be different, this could be much more different, but how do I stop this process?
With being honest like I am here and now? With clearly saying "Stop, this goes to far. You tend to hurt me."? But it´s accepted everywhere when I look around, so I don´t even think anyone will ever realize that it´s actually wrong what they do. When did we turn into a society like this?
I, so far, did my best by repairing what´s broken inside of me because of the fear of loosing who I love so much, as well as what got broken by the medical diagnose I got in february. But these are problems I could work on by myself, I could make decisions about by myself. But I can not make decisions for the people around me who did what is, in my opinion, not allowed to do.
And I am already challenging myself, so I do not feel under-challenged anymore, by singing, dancing, playing violin and writing just like I do now. But it´s stil a daily struggle I have to face.
When will people realize, that they do not get the results they want if they break people into pieces?
Or do they think it would have the same positive effect as the way musicans break me?
But it doesn´t, since it´s not a creative break of your personality, so you have the same musician who helps you to put yourself together the way YOU want.
You just have people who break you and do nothing afterwards and expect to become what they are. It´s not a help, it won´t make me more concentrated and more hard working, noone of us. It will in the end just cause daily reparing processes which make you less productive because you need more time for yourself than for the outer world.
To remind myself, it isn´t like this since I am out of university. It already started in the A-level, which is already between 8 and 11 years ago. Is this really okay? Do we, who get hurt, really have to accept this and just need a "thicker skin" so the wounds of our soul stop bleeding? This is to easy, and everyone knows it...we make it to easy for the ones who hurt.
The good thing is, no matter how my life goes on, how many days like this I have to face, there is a man I love, an angel in disguise, I can rely on, no matter how harsh the last months were, and his music and his country 9000 km away which always help me to fix myself.
Something which somehow always make me be unbroken.
So you can break me, but you can never stop me from repairing and recovering and healing myself, by the power of living for the sake of love and music.