what I think by facing with reality


meeting up with my Japanese friends in NYC reminded me of how I used to be and how much I've changed in this 6 months.

To be honest, I've changed a lot.

Now I'm not as modest as before and probably I'm giving off more of American flavor which all is not welcomed by Japanese social contexts.

But unfortunately or not, I believe I am correct.

I already do not care how I'm gonna be judged by ppl in Japan whose norm was caused by Amerian individualism way which is orbviously opposite to Japanese.

But it does make sense.

At least for me, all things here make sense thought it relatively looks cold for ppl in Japan.

I believe Japanese should go for American way in some respects, defenitely.

I hate collectivism, which push real things back to somewhere, probably it disappear unconsiously.

Anybody hesitate to show their own real feelings to others.

Anybody communicates with each other with shallow conversation, which look "fake" for me.

If someone in my group fall behind the project we're proceeding, I gotta wait, support or teach how he/she is gonna be well even though I dont have to do that.

who cares others do bad. I dont know. let me do finish my own works.

what's more, it sounded weird that everybody looked believe in one specific idea given by thier prof.

They discuss as if the idea was the best and how much they respect that.

it looked like they were brainwashed.

But i was like them 6months before.

it is even disgusting to remember how I used to be. now I figure out i was wrong in believing her.

I pretended to be obeyable to be the best student and actually I was.

I definitely push back my own assertion back. I was really good student in one sense, at least in front of her.

Have I seen so many things surrouding this world so far?

that is the reason I felt a gap b/w them and me.

I absolutely looked down them. I thought and think American cultural ways are the best right now which always make sense for me.

probably it is still too early to believe in myself since i am lack of knowledges about what i have to ponder.

but at least i would say that i saw two different cultural norms so far. my own countrys n american.

as a result that i've experienced to compare them back and forth a lot, i believe there're more things in Japan goes for America.

if i am said that i know more things than others that causes troubles to communicate with them, I am willing to discard them cuz it is not fruitful to make me grow.

i am too much cold, which sometimes looks selfish.

but I do not wanna waste things special that I have and have cultivated for a long time.

if there are something that make me fall behind, I dont wanna taste them.

that might be the reason why i havent felt "JYO," which might be Japanese connotation.

if it is meaningless, I trush it and I might not hesitate to do that.

everything is for me.

I am kinda worried about the time I go back to Japan.

but it is correct way to spend time in the States.

Probably I am still not so smart to mix various cultural norms well and adopt to myself.

now I can not do that cuz i am on the process to get american cultural connotations.