giving you a big love


i never thought of being a friend with my ex.

but it seems that i could carry it on.

split up, that is what i've been thinking for a while and i did it at last.

too scrared to do that, however, i could not come to deal with

this distracting, stressful and worrying life.

i said everything i've been thinking so far.

and i can't believe the way i was since at that time, i was really candid and still trying to choose thoughtful words to convey my feeling to him.

did i hesitate to have done that or what.

maybe it was the latter.

he was the one i was cherishing and it's never different even when he is just a friend right now.

i can/could not be with him anyway.

it always comes up to my mind that what the relationship means to me.

it's kinda weird, but i feel like giving him love ever than before.

could call him sweetie, send him an email, talk to me from myself on IM.

and realized it was my pleasure too to give that kinda stuff.

i should have learnt a bit how to give and take.

never trapped into my cage. i will be the one who can.



what i learned from one class about popular culture,

love is not included in a commodity fatichism.

yes in short, we human beings would be desparate without it.

there is not room to question about it. we need it continuously.

but somehow i wish quite often that there were no man

so that i do not have to be hurt.

it would not be "can't live without" thing to me sometimes.

i would be sometimes desparate without his attention

and i try to be ok and nothing would hurt me about this relations.

i pretend to be everything is going great by having busy days.

hate myself to always be distracted by this thing.

he does not even know what i am thinking.

it is always one-way communication and we always have to

guess what others are thinking.

guess, do and fail.

i haven't learned anything so far.

i found one article the other day that was all about

how we mentally could step into other's private territory,

there is always fearness. we guess, try and give up.

we can not go through the step of do and fail.

we are afraid of failure.

try to protect ourselves. scraed too much to be hurt.

i can not help but wonder.

isn't love always there b/c people need it continuously?

why would we be so scared to lose just one?

he must not be the one.

enough notices make us stronger?







































live with my life


i am always fucked up i am being obsesed with XXXX!!!!!!

always waiting...happy comes after sad and vice versa.

he can leave me anytime he wants and i am just manipulated by the acting.

want to live with my life and want to forget about all i have.

never thought he's missed me and thinking of me when i am doing so.

i know it's kinda pointless to pursue or expect something good for the future.

it's tiring to think about less possibility we have.

i hate myself that i still expect something b/w us

and more from him.

although he sometimes said to me girls are the ones who manipulate guys for fun

BUT i def. think guys are like that unconciously!!!

some more worrying....


always worrying comes one after another. i hate it!

i just figured out today that admission conditions for each grad school in the US ARE SO HIGH.

well...i know i am just looking at kinda prestigious ones...

as to one school in DC (which is totally prestigious one tho)

it requires 3.5GPA and experiences workin' in conflicts or developing countries if possible...(who did them!?)

also i was so down b/c only 80 out of 1000 applicants can get in before.

no more hopes here so i am going to move on.

but i can not give up this dream just because the conditions are above my reach.

i still have chances (maybe) i can look at other schools in east coast

b/c there should be tons of schools.

i am lucky right now tho b/c now i can set my goal for my last semester.

i have to take micro&macro economics at least 4 credits and better than B grade for each.

i'll take it...

i always think about the priorities in my life these days.

and now it seems to work at the firm i decided to go least two years.

i think i always keep running my life but i don't dislike it. just get through it.

it's been three days since i came back home from america.

amazingly i havent felt any reverse culture shocks and could readjust to japanese life.

nothing was new to me. it was as if i had lived in japan for this 9 months instead of maryland.

however, suddenly i felt sad today by visiting the cities in tokyo.

in short, everything is too much for me.

at cafe, a station, a many words do the servers say toward to one customer?

i dont need the explanation so much, i really wanted them to leave me alone.

even after trying the clothing on, i had to explain why i dislike it and do not reach to get it to the server.

plus, i had to try it on with putting my clothing was totally unacceptable. how can i see the size of the clothing with clothing on?

i felt tight badly. i could not do anything without caring others once i go outside.

well....i felt ppl or the environnment steal my freedom to do every single thing i wanna do.

unconsciouly i was ( and am) stressed out and depressed.

plus anybody looks busy, sad, and unfriendly.

wanna go back to america. get me back the freedom of doing stuffs.

the only thing i wanna speak out is tokyo sucks.



if asked "why you're interested in media field", what would you respond to it?

i was kinda shocked to hear the answer given by my friends.

things what i think are general i imagined, but it is not.

things what i wanna assert through media is ones everyone naturally thought, but it also failed.

i've been interested in the works in media field cuz i thought i could do my responsibility with them.

my responsibility is to make the world get better.

specifically, make ppl in the third world who struggle to even live one day have hope, pleasure, freedom and education that are things we unconsiously and naturally have right now.

they lead such kind of aweful lives due to the developed wolrd ppl, i mean, us.

i cant imagine if i gotta work for my life, for living tomorrow.

it is natural for me to work to earn money that might be used for my enjoyment, not for fatal things of couurse.

i strongly feel responsibility to work not only for me but them in the other worlds.

it is my purpose to get good job, earn great salary and have a room to give 'em better quality lives.

but others think different.

even they said students who r interested in media field have some ideas that assertion, giving attention to the public, conveying information, influences and so forth, i wanted to ask 'em "so what?"

if u wanna have influence to the public, it just looks that u wanna be paid attention by others or just curiousity.

it is just "fashion" for them just like carrying CHANEL bags.

actually it might sound cool "i work in media field" n definitely they can control information and it can be influence to the public.

but why they wanna do that?

if it's not the because you feel guilty that leads "responsibility" to the world, your assertion would corrupt.

who makes you live like that? u feel nothing to see the ppl who live today with less than 1 dollar?

i do. so i wanna help 'em. it is my responsibility as a person born in Japan, well developed country.

this is quote from Soclates.

"I am a citizen not of the Athens, Greece but of the world."

it was coincidence that i wan born in japan.

i am definitely japanese but also i am a citizen of the world.

i need to help my dude at all my cost.

what I think by facing with reality


meeting up with my Japanese friends in NYC reminded me of how I used to be and how much I've changed in this 6 months.

To be honest, I've changed a lot.

Now I'm not as modest as before and probably I'm giving off more of American flavor which all is not welcomed by Japanese social contexts.

But unfortunately or not, I believe I am correct.

I already do not care how I'm gonna be judged by ppl in Japan whose norm was caused by Amerian individualism way which is orbviously opposite to Japanese.

But it does make sense.

At least for me, all things here make sense thought it relatively looks cold for ppl in Japan.

I believe Japanese should go for American way in some respects, defenitely.

I hate collectivism, which push real things back to somewhere, probably it disappear unconsiously.

Anybody hesitate to show their own real feelings to others.

Anybody communicates with each other with shallow conversation, which look "fake" for me.

If someone in my group fall behind the project we're proceeding, I gotta wait, support or teach how he/she is gonna be well even though I dont have to do that.

who cares others do bad. I dont know. let me do finish my own works.

what's more, it sounded weird that everybody looked believe in one specific idea given by thier prof.

They discuss as if the idea was the best and how much they respect that.

it looked like they were brainwashed.

But i was like them 6months before.

it is even disgusting to remember how I used to be. now I figure out i was wrong in believing her.

I pretended to be obeyable to be the best student and actually I was.

I definitely push back my own assertion back. I was really good student in one sense, at least in front of her.

Have I seen so many things surrouding this world so far?

that is the reason I felt a gap b/w them and me.

I absolutely looked down them. I thought and think American cultural ways are the best right now which always make sense for me.

probably it is still too early to believe in myself since i am lack of knowledges about what i have to ponder.

but at least i would say that i saw two different cultural norms so far. my own countrys n american.

as a result that i've experienced to compare them back and forth a lot, i believe there're more things in Japan goes for America.

if i am said that i know more things than others that causes troubles to communicate with them, I am willing to discard them cuz it is not fruitful to make me grow.

i am too much cold, which sometimes looks selfish.

but I do not wanna waste things special that I have and have cultivated for a long time.

if there are something that make me fall behind, I dont wanna taste them.

that might be the reason why i havent felt "JYO," which might be Japanese connotation.

if it is meaningless, I trush it and I might not hesitate to do that.

everything is for me.

I am kinda worried about the time I go back to Japan.

but it is correct way to spend time in the States.

Probably I am still not so smart to mix various cultural norms well and adopt to myself.

now I can not do that cuz i am on the process to get american cultural connotations.

feel like going to....


These days my condition has been so bad.

I've been filled up with so much frustration and my nerve also been strange.

All of them are due to my English skills.

I don't know it is just stagnation or not.

My last TOEFL was sooooo bad and it could not reflect my pain for this 2months.

I've not known how I break through this situation.

What is bad and good? I do not know.

So, owing to the above reasons, I've really not wanted to go abroad.

I said to mom that I wanna stay here

and I can not find the specific reason to go abroad wth delaying my job-hunting. I've bothered to everyone around myself.

My mom, seminar friends, my best friend......

Everyone worried about me and called or mailed repeatedly.

Now when I look back myself for this 3days,

I notice that I was really childish.

I have to push my feeling back and can not bother others.

What's more,

I have to notice that my situation would not be much of problem.

I have to strength myself and do not be selfish.

Anyway my motivation rised today

because I went to American Embassy.

That made me feel like going to America.

The atmosphere was American one,

I mean.... the smell of fregrance of foreigners

or of detergents that foreigners use.

It made me remind of my first trip to America

when I was 15.

It is stating point of everything.

I could remind that

how much I like America

how much I like to speak English

how wonderful to talk with foreigners with English...

Such things are vigor for me to keep running.

I keep it mind and I want to start over my study.



Always I am not liked by whom I like.

I always can not find someone whose feeling fit me.

But it is primary condition when I am fallin' love.

A month ago I found him who is the very person I like.

As usual I can not do anything, any appriach, just staring at everytime.

Also today I noticed that he does not interest me and

see another girl who is in same class,

It hurt me of course but at once I could not do anything

and I just received the situation.

Again I push my feeling into back and

pretend nothing happened.

It is the best way to protect me.

But it is always sadness.