another shock


How do you feel when you realized/got spiritually awakened that what you have been struggling against was something that you never needed to???

Tonight is another shock. In many ways.

Thanks Takako. My prayers are always with you.


10 years anniversary!!!


Pachi pachi pachi~~~

Time flies. It`s been ten whole years since I first landed on this plant on Mar 20, 2001. Still remember how surprised I was at the beautiful cars in Narita parking areas. Not to mention my fist dinner in Japan: Ramen at Hiratsuka city lol

Time flies. Somewhat I have been waiting for Mar 20, 2011 to come. What would I have done by then? What good I`ll be after 10 years fighting in this country? Everything must be amazingly colorful because I`m alwasy running at my full speed....

Time flies. Now standing here., instead of making myself keep chasing THE besaid right answer, I`m so happy that I finally learned how to enjoy what I am today. I`m so happy that I did not change at all after all these changes in my life. I`m so happy that I have mastered more approaches to value things aounds without judging with my limited, humble knowledge and understanding.

As much as time flies, I believe in myself.


Happy 10yr anniversary Vivian!


the hole


Remember the scene in Norway Wood:

Watanabe-kun, presistantly could not stop thinking of Naoko.. " Naoko digged a hole in my heart and left. I chased and chased and chased but nobody replied."

Poor Watanabe-kun. After all the stuggling he sent out(posted out, physically..) a letter. That is unfortunately no more than a new start of another tragedy...

" Finally I held my breathe and sent out the letter. At the moment I put it into the postbox, I found the hole in my heart became even larger and deeper."

Still today I remember this. In the gold old days, I tried to do the same thing, feeling so fulfilled as if myself was the hero(in) of the sad story.

Today, after over 10 years, what I get from the same scene is a completely different point of view:

The more you ask, the more you loose. vs.

the more you give, the more you get.

Simple but interesting correlatioin between things that appear to be totally opposite.

I held back something that I really wanted to say at the meeting, which turned out to be a big big failure. Obviously I`m focusing on the wrong things. Stupid girl.


looks like I haven't doen anything 100% concentratedly for quite a while. Always feel enormously guilty whenever I get focused to something, simply because focusing on something representes holding on others.

Time and health management is part of our job. Being chased by life should abviously NOT be included an element of life if you'd like to enjoy it.

So, what I gonna do?

Again it's all about getting focused, but with a tiny yet important alpha: getting focused organized and efficiently.



entry sheet







What good are you?を常に自分に問いかけながら今現在の1分1秒を大事にしていきたい。

I can`t remember how many times I logged on Skype trying calling Dad and gave up at last during this weekendt . Haven`t felt like this for quite a long time, but in all my honesties this time, I`m so ashamed about myself, so ashamed that even coulld not talk to parents. What was I gonna do? Telling them how useless your daughter is?...

Good thing is I finally found out what has been stopping me until today. The trigger is 85%.

looks like 85% has been all my capacity and break point (how sad..). 0 to 85 is ok, energetic, never feel tired and full of curiosities i.e. everything looks just fine. Problem is the line sometimes intersects with a scary curve called self-satisfaction, and the breakpoint is always 85%..

What a shame. I`m not even qualified to talk about 100%. Why? Because I stop exploring, at 85!!

New things may stop you from accelerating versus you can NEVER, EVER stop moving on by yourself. Gotta face the problem, clear all the needless curves and cure the sickness before it becomes a deadly problem.

A new week has begun. Way to go.