I'm sad. I'm alone. I'm bitter.
I don't think my actions or the way I react is okay. I know it's not. But I also know that I'm bitter about the life I'm leading even though no one understands. They don't know how i live, or why i am the way i am or how easy it is to kick people out of my life because I'm scared of vulnerability, or scared that i might lash out. Especially with whats going on now. I feel like I'm losing grip and molding back into the self-mutilator I used to be, or worse, the girl who didn't eat or speak to anyone. I don't want to pull other people down with me, so I'll go through it alone.
Baby might be getting put down tomorrow when we take her to the hospital because its the "right" thing to do despite how selfish I am., I should've mentioned it sooner and maybe I wouldn't be in the predicament that I'm in. But she is....and I'm crumbling because she's the diary I have. I know it sounds pathetic but...I don't have people to trust and moreover I have no family. Her tumor exploded and while I had cleaned her blood, it hit me that I'll be burying her soon, and my stomach is in knots, I can't handle it even though I preach about how prepared I am when truly I'm not.
The rest of my family understands but they seem unaffected as if her years with us meant nothing, they even have the audacity to come to me and tell me "You know she's dying right?, You know she's old? What're you going to do if she dies?" I cry every time the thought is brought up, then they become more persistent. "its going to happen, its going to happen"
I'm angry with the world. But I bottle it inside and I hope i'll be able to come back to speaking terms with people, but for now I can't stomach it.
I am excited. TOMO has peta'd me
<3 I hope to keep consistancy. (Ｔ▽Ｔ;)
