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So it really happened. I actually never thought I would get this far, yet here we are.
I broke up with Sweet Twenties for good. It happened last week, just one day before Valentine's Day. The Twenties left me with no explanation, not even BYE, nothing. They just left, walked out the door with their bag full of broken dreams, paranoia, insecurities and limits hanging off their shoulder. And what's most important, I feel gorgeous. Wonderful. Rejuvenated. It was about time, let's face it. But I thought it would have been more, like, traumatic. Not at all.
I read an article on one of those weekly women magazines, about 29 being the perfect age in a woman's life. You're not 30 yet, you're still in your 20s, but you're more experienced than when you were actually 20, your body's at its fullest, you're self-confident and attractive and free. I have to say, that's totally true.
My 29th year in this current incarnation has been my best year so far. I've never been, or well, felt this beautiful, sexy, carefree and loved. I did all sort of crazy shit and I don't regret it. I don't regret anything. I lived it up, I had fun. Of course I had my moments, too, but they were not as many as the cool ones.
I have lots of people, both men and women, telling me that they like me and find me attractive because I'm self-confident. Usually I answer that I just don't give a fuck about anything, I do my thing and I don't really care about what other people say or think or whatever. Then I realized this is exactly what self-confidence is all about. I know my worth, I know my weaknesses and I work everyday to overcome 'em and to improve myself as a human being, and I'm too busy in the process to really care about what the rest of the human kind thinks about that.
I was pretty independent as a youngster, too, but I didn't have the life experience I have now to actually not giving a damn about others' opinion about me. It was all a struggle, you know, when you know (or well, you think you know) something's right for you but still you're not experienced and you don't know yourself enough to be totally free from your friends, family, whatever's opinion.
It's true that saying, it never gets easier, you only get better. True, so so true. It's like learning a new skill or a new job, at first you're obsessed with the fear of fucking it up and you actually feel dumb, but then, step by step, every day you master something new and in the end it just comes naturally. That's what life feels at the moment. It is true that we're only here to learn.
Same goes for your body and your looks. It's not that you were ugly and now you are Miss Universe, it's just that through mistakes you learn how to look good, how to take proper care of yourself, you just learn. Learn and practice.
And what about love. I spent more than half of my twenties struggling and feeling so inadequate, I felt like no one loved me and that I was not good enough and not even able to love someone the "right" way. Guess what. There's no "right" way, there's just "my" way. My way or the highway. Love should be fun, love should make you feel good, make you feel alive, not dead. When I was in my teen years I was so fascinated by this Love and Death idea, you know, some distorted form of Ying and Yang thing. WHAT. No, no fucking way. There's no written rule that says that you have to suffer because you love something/someone. Even if it was, I'd break it, and run. Fast. Love is joy, not pain. Love is acceptance of the other as long as we feel ok with it. Love is respect, towards the other part and toward YOURSELF.
Another super handy skill you master is patience. When you're young and naive you're restless because you want everything right in this moment, you think that if it doesn't happen now, it never will. False. There's this other saying, everything will be OK in the end, if it's not OK than it's not the end. So so true. Don't rush things, don't worry too much, it will be fine. Just walk your way, do your thing, work hard play harder. I've learnt it observing the scarring and healing process of my skin, a couple of years ago I burnt myself very badly on my right hip (you don't wanna know how, ha! Everytime I hurt myself I do it in ridiculous ways, like that time when I woke up with a broken foot) and I freaked out. Literally. I was desperate, I was even considering surgery. Guess what, now you can't even see the scar, there's no fucking scar. That made me realize that time may not be real in the atomic and sub-atomic world, but it does really heal and also fade scars. Time and patience.
Sometimes I wish I knew all these things when I was younger, I wish I didn't make some mistakes. Then I realize that without those mistakes I wouldn't have learnt all these things, so there you go.
I was so afraid of turning the 30 point, I was like "OMG I'm old OMG my life's over OMG I'll die alone maybe I should start getting myself a couple of cats". WHAT. No way, My life's just started, the fun has just started, now it's my turn to sit back and enjoy the show of all these wannabe big men and big women who've just entered the "real", "adult" world and think they know it all.
And occasionally giving out my two cents, for those who care to listen.
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Human beings are such pitiful fucks.
Have you noticed that 99% problems come not from the outside, but from the inside of our poor, limited brain?
Our main, and basically only problem is we filter the happenings and world around us, let's just call'em FACTS, through that (most times) dried up sponge we carry between our ears. There's where the whole, totally useless concepts of time, space, right, wrong, moral, immoral, expectation, delusion, hope, fear, reside. None of this is real, it's just our brain (or well, what comes out of it) that creates everything based on our history, our experience, culture, environment, blabla. Even our stupid diet effects it. How much water you drink. How much alcohol you drink. If you smoke.
And we're considered intelligent beings.
We use reason to dominate our instict.
LOL EXCUSE ME?
And you know what's the saddest thing? Even when we start following all those New Age, oriental philosophies turned religions turned trends about balancing onself and finding inner peace and opening our eyes, we'll never know if we really woke up or if we're just living another dream created by our self-washed mind.
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I've recently started using the word "no" more often. It started a couple of weeks ago, when I declined to work for free AGAIN with (basically, FOR) this guy who's nice and all, but his concept of "collaboration" is, basically, ok I decide everything. It continued last week, when I decided to refuse to work for this idiot that thinks it's perfectly normal to lie in order to get a job. I mean, it's just a "contact", but I decided to cut it off. Nope. Then today, when I decided that my time's more important and my proprities well, come first than the ones of those who've never seen me in person, yet think they can dispose of my time as they please.
I've learnt to understand when it's time to say NO. Politely, nicely, but firmly. NO. NEIN. NJET. Usually I'm always like "yeah, why not, it may be fun, it may be useful, I may learn something". Guess what. Not anymore. Possibilities may be countless, but I'm no longer interested in knowing them all, since it's not possible anyway and I'll manage to get only a handful in the end. So why bother when I can't actually be bothered.
I used to talk to (well, almost) anyone willing to talk to me. Not anymore, as most times people talk to you when they want something from you, and well, I'm not going around giving my clothes and shoes for free (well, not anymore at least lol), now do I.
Something I suddenly understood, almost overnight, is that yes, MY time IS precious. I AM PRECIOUS. I'm worth as much as anyone else, and I've got the right to say NO if I feel like it. I used to think that as long as I'm not wasting anything material, it's OK to be at basically anyone's disposal. If I can be of any help, why shouldn't I.
I didn't consider that
1. that awful beast commonly referred to as "people" has a different concept of "asking for help" than I do. They'll ask whenever they can because it's easier to get someone else doing shit for you than getting on your fucking two feet, put your shit together and DO something
2. everything has potential, but NOT everyone's willing to give that potential a form in the material world. Most times nope, and it doesn't depend on you
3. time is the most precious and rare thing I have. I was like, I've got nothing better to do, why not. NO. I have something better to do, I have to be with myself, if I feel like it.
Why should I pretend to be interested when well, I'm not. When I already know that it will be useless, that person is useless to my human experience and can teach me nothing. That job won't add anything to my resume, it will probably damage it. For the past few years I was always open to new opportunities, basically because I thought it could be fun and interesting. I'm afraid that youthful flame died and now I'm more like "screw that, it's useless and a waste of energy, I won't even try".
I'm trying to adopt this less is more way of life, and I'm kind of applying it to personal relationships and social life, too. It's like this capitalistic way of life is eating us alive and it's conditioning even the way we relate to people.
The more the better. "Don't be afraid to say yes, yes is good". No, not at all. SAY NO, no can be good, even better.

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