***Don't assume I write anything intelligent in here.***


I'd like to say in the four months I haven't written not even a tiny note in here my life changed dramatically for the (well, as I perceive it) better. I'd like to say I won the lottery, got ridiculously blonde and goodlooking with a super toned top model body and Leonardo DiCaprio fell in love with me and we finally got married in some exotic location and we left for a two months honeymoon around the world. Nope. I'd like to say everything went smooth and I always felt content with myself and the way others perceive me and that I was not called a self-centered egoistic cunt for not caring enough about others while struggling trying to keep the scattered pieces of my parody of adult life together in the process of actually bulding a new adult life in a foreign country. Nope. I'd like to say I didn't make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and fucked it up over and over and over and over and over. Nope. I'd like to say every aspect of everything whatever is settled and steady and nothing makes me anxious. Nope. I'd like to say I don't give a flying fuck. Yep. I'm tired people, so very extremely tired. Exhausted to the point the only idea of facing new individuals and having to talk and act all nice and polite while they casually try to get me into analyzing my poor life choices and blahblah for the 643562836528576th time gives me the creeps. I got NO tattoed on my arm because when I have enough I stop talking and just show it. They think I'm joking, I'm not.
My soul is tired. Tired of all the whiners who always complain about anything and everything about their lives and don't realize how blessed they are and how miserable they make other, less fortunate fellows feel. I'm tired of self-proclaimed depressed fucks who dwell on the pieces of their broken hearts because it somehow gives them some comfort, but doing something about it? Nope. I'm tired of kiddos trying to be all cool and shit, yeah peace and love but they couldn't care less about the consenquences of their shallow behaviour. Respect the elders I say, bitches.
I am officially tired. Life is yours, you always have at least two options. One safe, one scary as shit because it leads to something totally new and well, potentially negative. Or well, to be correct, since negative is not necessarily a bad thing, hard to handle. But the choice is entirely yours. Needless to say, the bill will be handed to nobody but you, no one else will make it up for what you choose to do. Which I repeat, is not necessarily a bad thing, if you don't consider it bad. It may actually be a reward, although initially in disguise. Even if you believe in God or some Higher Power or whatever, there's this small thing called FREE WILL. You are given a direction, it's your choice to either follow it or change it. And it's never, NEVER bad. It's bad only if you think it is. Complaining won't solve anything, won't make it any easier. Blaming others won't do either. Playing the victim, or worse, playing the I can't change act is the most pathetic thing you can do. Chris Cornell wrote "cry if you wanna cry if it helps you see if it clears your eyes". I couldn't agree more. But then get the fuck up and do something, for no one can change your situation but you. And remember kids. Just because people don't talk about their shit, or well, they don't do it with you, it doesn't mean they're not struggling, It doesn't mean their lives' all party and fun and they don't care about anything. It doesn't even mean they're stupid. It just means that maybe, just maybe, they're actually DOING something about it rather than TALKING about it. Which can also mean spending their time watching fun stuff to feel better, or spending time with positive, nice, encouraging people they can relate to, or who just make them feel better. It's still something. What are you doing to make your situation, or people's around you, any better?

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I've been studying these people's behaviour when it comes to human relationships for a while now, it's interesting. It's basically the opposite of what I'm used to. Especially concerning relationships between men and women, I'm going crazy, it's so interesting I'd like to write a book about it. With two friends we basically hold weekly meetings and we share what we learnt. We came to the conclusion that these people are crazy. In the beginning I thought it was cool because apparently they're so respectful and polite. Nope, it's just the first impression.
It really resembles Japanese society in a way, there are so many similarities.
The only slightly different thing is here women are more aggressive and powerful and they show it, in Japan it's more like they're surely leading the game, but you can't really see it on the surface, you have to go deeper to understand. Here men are, like, I don't know, it's like hunting, women are hunters and they need to be careful at first if they don't want their prey to get scared and run away. After shooting, though, they only need to carry the dead body in their cave. More or less. My friend suggested that here, in order to get your prey, you have to look cute, lovely, maybe pretending to be even a bit dumb, reassuring, comforting. And the game can go on for ever. I had people telling me they've had a crush on me for years and I barely know their faces and by the way only because they're friends of friends and we were once at the pub together with other ten people something like five years ago. I had people blabbing blabla being all macho and shit and daring and yeah I'd do this and this you're so beautiful so smart so sexy and then you're like ok fine, so let's date and see what happens. Never heard of them ever again, but still they follow my every move on FB and IG. I don't see the point in spending my days texting someone and saying things if I don't wanna at least try to get to know that person in real life, you know. I'm old school. I don't flirt with just anyone because I need to be reassured about my sexuality, my sex appeal, my beauty, my worth or whatever. But when it happens all the time, I start questioning myself of course. Is it me? What do I do wrong? I see idiots (yeah, I-D-I-O-T-S, I call things by their names, call me arrogant for that, I don't mind) getting laid all the time, I see them getting in and out of relationships all the time. I understand the point, being an idiot to make other idiots feel safe and sound in their comfort zone. I could try, it's possible to play dumb, it's actually quite easy and if the character is well written, super fun. But no. In my country we call this kind of female "gatta morta", I looked it up in the dictionary and it translates "cocktease". Pretty accurate. Nope. You know that saying "if you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen"? Exactly!
Another thing I'm costantly told is "it's so easy to talk to you, you're so smart". This really leaves me speechless, as I had no idea these people were used to such low level of human interation. Like, seriously? Someone listens to you and gives you advice because, guess what, been there done that, and it's like a genius? What kind of people are these poor things surrounded with? Seriously? So I was basically thinking screw that, these people don't need a girlfriend, these people need a therapist. And therapists make lots of money. As for lack of love and relatioships, I'll get myself a dog so I'll at least experience the life of a single parent.
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The box of misfortune shines in the same colours as always
When held up to the moon
I clutch the same old fleetingness to my chest
And breathe a sigh mingled with darkness

To put it frankly
Why is it that we’re born and then head to our death?

Hanging my head
In the ceaseless spiral flow of time
On my back I felt melancholy but sure drops of warmth from you
And a dream began to seep into my heart

What do we want to happen when the world ends...
Everybody thinks about it
And then talks cheerfully about it
As if it doesn’t concern them

Despair creeps in and freezes
That flame that once was love

Even the whip of fate, woven from strands of sadness
Cannot tear my hand from yours
Those shards of love that just manage to shine together
Are the key that will open up our future

The sun rises and then sets
I cry at what that says about eternity

Hanging my head
In the ceaseless spiral flow of time
On my back I felt melancholy but sure drops of warmth from you
And a dream began to seep into my heart

My hands still hold the smiles I must give you
And the anxiety secretly growing in me
Those shards of love that just manage to shine together
Are the key that will open up our future

English translation from
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