***Don't assume I write anything intelligent in here.***


"From your Facebook blablabla". I get this a lot. "From your Facebook you hate the world", "From your Facebook you're a mean bitch and proud of it", "From your Facebook I'd never tell you're shy", "From your Facebook I see you're a model", "From your Facebook blablabla".
I admit it, if I didn't know myself and stumbled across my own Facebook page, I'd think it's a fake page run by this middle age geek named Ned, socially awkward weirdo, vaguely creepy who likes to collect pictures of pretty ladies and whose sense of humor never passed 5th grade.
Luckily for me I don't usually "add" people I don't know to my networks, I mean, I always try to be sure we met/talked at least once beforehand. And usually my answer to the "Do you have Facebook? Can I add you?" is always "Are you sure you want me as your Facebook friend? My page is...embarrassing". They never believe me until they see it, then the "From your Facebook" thing.
What strikes me is this thing that people, I mean, even those who actually spoke to me in real life, seem to be quite impressed by the fact that I have a brain and I use it. I actually like to use it a lot, probably more than I should. They're like woah I didn't expect you to have so many interestes, I didn't expect you to talk about such things blabla.
Yeah I know right, we live in a world of stereotypes and clichè of any kind, one is if you look a certain way then you're stupid as shit, another if you dress like that then of course you like a certain kind of music and imagery, if you listen to a kind of music or go to a kind of place then how can you be interested in other music and other places as well. If you have this chronic bitch face it means you're a sad person. If you're laughing all the time if means you're a joker and shallow (Pacey from "Dawson's Creek" and Steve from "Beverly Hills 90210", anyone? They were the idiots, they ended up being the most interesting and deep characters, just saying). If you're skinny blabla. If you're fat blabla. If you like tattoos then why you don't get big tattoos, what's the point in getting small, hidden tattoos. If you're nice and polite and friendly and you're a (perceived by society as) beautiful single woman in a niglt club, of course you're looking for dick, of course men are allowed to make dirty jokes and you'd be flattered because hey, a random cunt finds you sexually appealing (well it doesn't really matter if they find fuckable anything with two legs, well, sometimes one is enough, and boobs, possibly alive, possibly relatively young, meaning younger than their grandmother). You're a woman so you should shut up when the alpha male says so. You can't raise your voice, you're being rude, although it's a lot ruder calling nicknames someone you've met a couple of times and you basically know nothing about.
From YOUR Facebook, people, most times I get the idea of idiots, attention seeking whores, horny 40yo teenagers who've never seen a vagina apart from their mom's when they came to this world. I see wannabes who try so hard to give the world an image of themselves it doesn't mirror reality. I see girls desperately seeking for the likes they think will make them feel good about the distorted image they have of their bodies. And I see lot more. But I don't stop and first impression, if I did I would have even less friends that I already have.
So my question is. Why can't you just do the same? Silence is better than bullshit べーっだ!
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So yesterday I went on a date after a long time. We went to this Stock Sales thing with all Finnish brands and shops and independent designers selling samples and stuff at super discounted prices, my date bought me a new kick ass leather bag ("I want a colorful bag for summer, I only have black bags and I want something cuter - oh look, I love this baby blue color - oh now I fell in love with this design, ok I want this" - ended up with a black double bag which actually looks like a backpack from 2002, typical), a silver ring with baby blue glass details and a dope necklace made out of recycled leather. My date knows me so well. Then we went strolling around Kallio in the late spring sun, I hadn't been in the hood for a while and obviously my date knows me so well we just went there. Then a walk in the park on the way back to the center. There were so many people having picnic and just basically enjoying the sun, it was delightful. So many couples and families with children. Looking at them was heart warming, but I'm probably saying this because I was on a date. The perfect date, I cannot think of anything better. We ended up having dinner at some Asian place in the center, hadn't had anything but breakfast the whole day. In the evening we went to Nosturi to check out a few new bands at this Emergenza Festival Suomi or whatever. Smokin' Aces was playing, of course we had to go.
Did I mention that my date yesterday was actually ME? Yes. The person who loves me the most in this world. It took me a while to accept my own feelings for myself, but as The Sex Pistols say, "'cause I'm so in love with myself".
The past month was hard. Probably the hardest I had since October. As usual, a combination of everything shitty and discouraging in the world happened all at once, and when you're into deep shit you can't really see anything but shit surrounding you, now can you. Then I went back home for a little more than a week, and magically I could see everything from the right perspective. When you distance yourself from your problems, you see them so small from afar and you're like seriously, did I feel that bad for this? Did I give so much attention and importance to this? What? That's why my best advice is always "get away from it and see it from a different perspective, your point of view will change and everything will look so much better and easier to deal with". But yeah, I never seem to be able to practice what I preach.
I thought I needed someone else to be happy, which is the funniest thing I can come up with since I'm the ultimate loner. I just enjoy being by myself and doing my own thing. Taking my time, not having to tell anyone about anything. In school I used to hate team sports, I was good at running. Running only involves you and your will power. If you fall you can only blame yourself and that's what I like. Taking my responsibilities for myself, not having to tone it down, not having to compromise. Compromise has never been my cup of tea. I see so many people trying to look strong and happy by themselves, I know this guy (now don't be all proud and shit because I'm talking about you, I still think you're an asshole and I don't wanna see your face ever again, but you're a good example for what I'm talking about, thank you) who's like "yeah I'm antisocial, I like to be by myself, I hate people". But he's always looking for everyone's approval, he needs to surround himself with people who belive in him because he can't. He hates people's company because he doesn't know how to interact, he always hurts people because he thinks so low of himself he doesn't believe it possible to be actually able to hurt anyone in  the first place.
I don't hate people. I love people, I can't stand stupidity and that's why it may seem like I hate people. People always say I hate people, but that's improper use of the verb to hate. I just feel so comfortable with myself I don't need and actually I don't want to share my own precious company with someone if I don't feel like it. I'm alone by my own choice, I'm not lonely because someone else's decided for me. It's probably true I'm like a cat, that's probably why I get along with cats so easily.
Listen, I'll only say it once: we're born alone and we die alone, the healthiest, smartest thing we can do is learning to live and feel completely alone. This doesn't mean we cannot mate up, it just means that when we do it's because we choose to share our wholeness with another whole being, not because we're desperately seeking our other half.
If you're a whole nothing can break you.

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I'd like to say in the four months I haven't written not even a tiny note in here my life changed dramatically for the (well, as I perceive it) better. I'd like to say I won the lottery, got ridiculously blonde and goodlooking with a super toned top model body and Leonardo DiCaprio fell in love with me and we finally got married in some exotic location and we left for a two months honeymoon around the world. Nope. I'd like to say everything went smooth and I always felt content with myself and the way others perceive me and that I was not called a self-centered egoistic cunt for not caring enough about others while struggling trying to keep the scattered pieces of my parody of adult life together in the process of actually bulding a new adult life in a foreign country. Nope. I'd like to say I didn't make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and fucked it up over and over and over and over and over. Nope. I'd like to say every aspect of everything whatever is settled and steady and nothing makes me anxious. Nope. I'd like to say I don't give a flying fuck. Yep. I'm tired people, so very extremely tired. Exhausted to the point the only idea of facing new individuals and having to talk and act all nice and polite while they casually try to get me into analyzing my poor life choices and blahblah for the 643562836528576th time gives me the creeps. I got NO tattoed on my arm because when I have enough I stop talking and just show it. They think I'm joking, I'm not.
My soul is tired. Tired of all the whiners who always complain about anything and everything about their lives and don't realize how blessed they are and how miserable they make other, less fortunate fellows feel. I'm tired of self-proclaimed depressed fucks who dwell on the pieces of their broken hearts because it somehow gives them some comfort, but doing something about it? Nope. I'm tired of kiddos trying to be all cool and shit, yeah peace and love but they couldn't care less about the consenquences of their shallow behaviour. Respect the elders I say, bitches.
I am officially tired. Life is yours, you always have at least two options. One safe, one scary as shit because it leads to something totally new and well, potentially negative. Or well, to be correct, since negative is not necessarily a bad thing, hard to handle. But the choice is entirely yours. Needless to say, the bill will be handed to nobody but you, no one else will make it up for what you choose to do. Which I repeat, is not necessarily a bad thing, if you don't consider it bad. It may actually be a reward, although initially in disguise. Even if you believe in God or some Higher Power or whatever, there's this small thing called FREE WILL. You are given a direction, it's your choice to either follow it or change it. And it's never, NEVER bad. It's bad only if you think it is. Complaining won't solve anything, won't make it any easier. Blaming others won't do either. Playing the victim, or worse, playing the I can't change act is the most pathetic thing you can do. Chris Cornell wrote "cry if you wanna cry if it helps you see if it clears your eyes". I couldn't agree more. But then get the fuck up and do something, for no one can change your situation but you. And remember kids. Just because people don't talk about their shit, or well, they don't do it with you, it doesn't mean they're not struggling, It doesn't mean their lives' all party and fun and they don't care about anything. It doesn't even mean they're stupid. It just means that maybe, just maybe, they're actually DOING something about it rather than TALKING about it. Which can also mean spending their time watching fun stuff to feel better, or spending time with positive, nice, encouraging people they can relate to, or who just make them feel better. It's still something. What are you doing to make your situation, or people's around you, any better?

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