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It's June. It's Monday. It's been a while.
It's almost summer. It's dead ends and new beginnings. It's new friends. It's goodbyes.
So many things happened in the last couple of months. Not all were nice, all were good though. As long as there's change, everything's good.
I discovered a side of me I thought I had left in the past, with the old me. Yet some people and situations still manage to bring it back to life, and it's not a positive thing. I hate myself when that happens, because I should be able to master my darkest emotions and feelings. I hate arguing, I rarely do. When I argue, it usually means there's no coming back. We're done. I let everything flow out, I can't control myself. Maybe because I control myself way too much to the point where it's no longer possible, like when it's raining and raining and at some point the river can't hold it and water destroys everything. It feels liberating, then you realize what happened and well, not a nice feeling. I hate making people feel miserable, even when they just deserve it. I like to think in those situations I'm just some karma's tool, I do what is needed to be done. Or I should just stop caring too much about individuals who don't care at all. I am human, highly imperfect, I can only apologize for my faults and try to correct myself. Next time I'll be better.
I didn't just argue though. I did lots of other supercool things.
I took part in a music video, one of the coolest things I did in the past few years. The crew was super cool and friendly and badass and I can't wait to see the final results, I really can't wait. Creativity was so high on set it was amazing and super inspiring. I am so grateful.
I made friends with some really cool new people, watching them made me realize I wanna give it a shot, I wanna do what I love. I mean, what I really LOVE, where I really love to be.
We finally managed to get rid of this thing that kept me here, I'm a free person now. And no, I'm not talking about being jobless, that's not it. Although it will soon be the case. Again, as long as there's change, everything's good.
I just need to redeschedule my life, although I'm at a point where I don't really care about anything, I just wanna buy a one way ticket and say bye bye to everything. Not in a bad way, like haha bye bye fuckers, nope. It's just so supercool not having to worry about things, you know. Being able and entitled to actually make plans for yourself and your future. I didn't even rememebr how it felt ha!
I've been taking pictures and generally being creative in a more consistent and kind of "serious" way lately. I'm good at what I do, I know what I'm doing, it's no longer "just for fun". I wanna take it to the next level. There's no need for me to feel inadequate anymore, I'm good.
Something like three weeks ago my neighbour died. Like, one day he went to the hospital because he was not feeling good, the following day he was dead. He hurt himself, but it was nothing serious. Then they found out he had lung cancer and the other "sane" lung didn't even work. No one had the slightest idea about all this. Then he was dead. I've been knowing him for like, 24 years, such a strange feeling. This made me realize once more how weird life is. One day everything's cool and you make plans, the next day you're dead. Just like you snap your fingers. He was an old fellow, but still. He looked perfectly healthy. No one expected that. It can happen to anyone, so why should we waste what can be our last day doing something we don't like, with people we don't like, in a place we don't like. There might be no tomorrow. There's actually no tomorrow, only today. I don't wanna compromise, I'm too old for it. Or too young.
Also, next week I'm going back to Tokyo for one week and I have mixed feelings lol, I just wanna go shopping and be pretty, am I asking too much.

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I changed phone. I had to, since my Samsung Whatever was being such a bitch lately it didn't even allow me to make phone calls. It was generally doing whatever it wanted, like opening random web pages and trying to dial random phone numbers and stuff. Funny enough, it started working sort of properly again after I put it screen to screen with its new friend, Wiko. Wiko is nice, Wiko is fast, Wiko does what I say, Wiko is French, it knows how to deal with women. Most important, Wiko has a front camera. Wiko has become a mirror when I need it but my purse's too small and I have to leave stuff at home. Who needs a mirror, I've got Wiko.
Wiko has become my selfie buddy, too. It's fun, spending hours and hours testing light and angle and shit. I actually find this whole selfie hype pretty interesting.
It all started with MySpace and the whole pics-from-above thing. Hands up who's never ever posted a profile picture where the only perfectly visible feature of yours was, well, your roots, if you (like the rest of us, MySpace Generation product) used to color your hair pink or bleach blond or black or a combination of the three.
It was around 2005, the first digital cameras were just out ridiculously overpriced and well, just ridiculous, if you compare my first 6mpx point-and-shoot to the new 32243455mpx hybrid bridge mirrorless whatever Nikon. Or to the new 10mpx iphone something camera, for that matter.
It was not an easy life, the one of us, narcissistic cunts of the Scene Generation. It literally took DAYS to actually be able to catch a glimpse of your own face in pictures, since well, you had to understand where the bloody lens was pointed first. Dirty job, but someone got to do it, right. We had tripods, some even managed to get themselves professional cameras (you could spot them in the infamous mirror bathroom pictures, for those who wanted to look more like photographers/artists/emokiddos with a tormented soul and not afraid of showing theirs scars), how can I forget all the girls and boys with Canon 350d and basic kit lens that were actually the cool kids because they had expensive gear to shoot their so called alternative models friends in hope of becoming the next Suicide Girl or Sick Girl (yeah, in Italy we had Sick Girl, needless to say it was siiiiick, can't you tell). Hard life for the fathers and mothers of the modern selfie movement.
Then the first mobile phones with camera and WAP came, and the revolution started. You couldn't upload pictures from your mobile phone to your MySpace (at the time Facebook was not so big yet, at least not among us youngsters, it was considered something more, like, "adult" and "serious"), but you could dowload them and upload them from your computer. Good old way. Needless to say you'd spend a few hours on Photoshop doing this and that, someone just using the curves and saturation tools to adjust light, exposure, contrast and color, some other doing more articulated stuff like liquify and try to make themselves look skinnier and erase pimples and even change their hair color, before your avatar was ready to be shown to your Internet audience.
Then the first iphone came, the rest is history.
Social network after social network, app after app, filter after filter, our Internet presence and image will never be the same again.
MySpace was replaced by Facebook, where we even use our real names, we share what we actually DO on a daily basis. Well, mostly. With Instagram, we even share pictures in real time, we just pick the filter we like the most and bang!, it's there for everyone to see. No hours spent using Photoshop, no download/resize/upload, nothing. Apparently everything's easier, faster, more real. Apparently.
I'm interested in this whole selfie thing, I was saying.
I really am.
It's fascinating. Through a selfie you can learn so many things about a person's mind and general self image and in (not so) extreme cases, self-esteem, too. You can understand what they like and what they don't like about themselves, you can understand the way they want to portray themselves to the rest of the world, you can understand the way they see themselves, you can even understand how the world does actually perceive them.
Now it's easier, you don't need to test and test multiple times to get the perfect shot, the perfect shot that rapresents exactly how you wish to present yourself to the world. It may take shorter time, but that doesn't mean the process is less articulated. Make up, hair, filter, the (beautiful) people you're with (and that, of course, you'll tag along in the shot), the place you'll tag yourself at. How many likes the shot will get. The #hashtags you'll make up to get noticed in this ocean of (mostly useless) images and get said likes. It's more organic, it fully defines (or helps to) how you want to be seen by your internet audience.
Surprisingly the picture from above is still the most common, and now we also have the elevator mirror one, to show off your outfit of the day (OOTD) or of the night (OOTN). The outfit is also very important, you'll want to look your best even when you're going grocery shopping, there's an invisible audience always following you in your pocket and your smartphone's the door to this other world where you are what you want to be.
I started thinking about this selfie thing as something actually interesting and not just some narcissistc idiocy after seeing the pictures of this actually very pretty girl I kind of know on Instagram. You can understand it's her, yet her face looks different. it's all because of the angle she always chooses, chin down. It hit me because it means she has something with the shape of her face, that I actually find cute, but since in every picture she does this chin down thing, she probably wants her "audience" to imagine her face a bit less round and childish and with more definite cheeckbones and nose. She's, of course, not the only one to do that. What we used to do with Photoshop, now we do with angle and perspective.
Using the front camera in my phone, I actually found out I, too, can manage my features the way I want. I have my favourite angle. I have my favourite light. Playing the model game for a few years now I obviously already knew about all this, but now that I'm in full control, it's wow, cool. So interesting. I still find it pretty boring after a while and I feel like an idiot, but sometimes I love testing and experimenting and the result is amusing. It can be a healthy way of knowing yourself and your strong points and your weak points, it' actually no different than wearing make up everyday.
And now, for your own amusement (and well, for mine), a collection of selfies from the MySpace era to Instagram, to make you fully understand what I'm talking about! Enjoy lol!
MYSPACE:

INSTAGRAM:



Peace チョキ
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So it really happened. I actually never thought I would get this far, yet here we are.
I broke up with Sweet Twenties for good. It happened last week, just one day before Valentine's Day. The Twenties left me with no explanation, not even BYE, nothing. They just left, walked out the door with their bag full of broken dreams, paranoia, insecurities and limits hanging off their shoulder. And what's most important, I feel gorgeous. Wonderful. Rejuvenated. It was about time, let's face it. But I thought it would have been more, like, traumatic. Not at all.
I read an article on one of those weekly women magazines, about 29 being the perfect age in a woman's life. You're not 30 yet, you're still in your 20s, but you're more experienced than when you were actually 20, your body's at its fullest, you're self-confident and attractive and free. I have to say, that's totally true.
My 29th year in this current incarnation has been my best year so far. I've never been, or well, felt this beautiful, sexy, carefree and loved. I did all sort of crazy shit and I don't regret it. I don't regret anything. I lived it up, I had fun. Of course I had my moments, too, but they were not as many as the cool ones.
I have lots of people, both men and women, telling me that they like me and find me attractive because I'm self-confident. Usually I answer that I just don't give a fuck about anything, I do my thing and I don't really care about what other people say or think or whatever. Then I realized this is exactly what self-confidence is all about. I know my worth, I know my weaknesses and I work everyday to overcome 'em and to improve myself as a human being, and I'm too busy in the process to really care about what the rest of the human kind thinks about that.
I was pretty independent as a youngster, too, but I didn't have the life experience I have now to actually not giving a damn about others' opinion about me. It was all a struggle, you know, when you know (or well, you think you know) something's right for you but still you're not experienced and you don't know yourself enough to be totally free from your friends, family, whatever's opinion.
It's true that saying, it never gets easier, you only get better. True, so so true. It's like learning a new skill or a new job, at first you're obsessed with the fear of fucking it up and you actually feel dumb, but then, step by step, every day you master something new and in the end it just comes naturally. That's what life feels at the moment. It is true that we're only here to learn.
Same goes for your body and your looks. It's not that you were ugly and now you are Miss Universe, it's just that through mistakes you learn how to look good, how to take proper care of yourself, you just learn. Learn and practice.
And what about love. I spent more than half of my twenties struggling and feeling so inadequate, I felt like no one loved me and that I was not good enough and not even able to love someone the "right" way. Guess what. There's no "right" way, there's just "my" way. My way or the highway. Love should be fun, love should make you feel good, make you feel alive, not dead. When I was in my teen years I was so fascinated by this Love and Death idea, you know, some distorted form of Ying and Yang thing. WHAT. No, no fucking way. There's no written rule that says that you have to suffer because you love something/someone. Even if it was, I'd break it, and run. Fast. Love is joy, not pain. Love is acceptance of the other as long as we feel ok with it. Love is respect, towards the other part and toward YOURSELF.
Another super handy skill you master is patience. When you're young and naive you're restless because you want everything right in this moment, you think that if it doesn't happen now, it never will. False. There's this other saying, everything will be OK in the end, if it's not OK than it's not the end. So so true. Don't rush things, don't worry too much, it will be fine. Just walk your way, do your thing, work hard play harder. I've learnt it observing the scarring and healing process of my skin, a couple of years ago I burnt myself very badly on my right hip (you don't wanna know how, ha! Everytime I hurt myself I do it in ridiculous ways, like that time when I woke up with a broken foot) and I freaked out. Literally. I was desperate, I was even considering surgery. Guess what, now you can't even see the scar, there's no fucking scar. That made me realize that time may not be real in the atomic and sub-atomic world, but it does really heal and also fade scars. Time and patience.
Sometimes I wish I knew all these things when I was younger, I wish I didn't make some mistakes. Then I realize that without those mistakes I wouldn't have learnt all these things, so there you go.
I was so afraid of turning the 30 point, I was like "OMG I'm old OMG my life's over OMG I'll die alone maybe I should start getting myself a couple of cats". WHAT. No way, My life's just started, the fun has just started, now it's my turn to sit back and enjoy the show of all these wannabe big men and big women who've just entered the "real", "adult" world and think they know it all.
And occasionally giving out my two cents, for those who care to listen.
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