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So yesterday I went on a date after a long time. We went to this Stock Sales thing with all Finnish brands and shops and independent designers selling samples and stuff at super discounted prices, my date bought me a new kick ass leather bag ("I want a colorful bag for summer, I only have black bags and I want something cuter - oh look, I love this baby blue color - oh now I fell in love with this design, ok I want this" - ended up with a black double bag which actually looks like a backpack from 2002, typical), a silver ring with baby blue glass details and a dope necklace made out of recycled leather. My date knows me so well. Then we went strolling around Kallio in the late spring sun, I hadn't been in the hood for a while and obviously my date knows me so well we just went there. Then a walk in the park on the way back to the center. There were so many people having picnic and just basically enjoying the sun, it was delightful. So many couples and families with children. Looking at them was heart warming, but I'm probably saying this because I was on a date. The perfect date, I cannot think of anything better. We ended up having dinner at some Asian place in the center, hadn't had anything but breakfast the whole day. In the evening we went to Nosturi to check out a few new bands at this Emergenza Festival Suomi or whatever. Smokin' Aces was playing, of course we had to go.
Did I mention that my date yesterday was actually ME? Yes. The person who loves me the most in this world. It took me a while to accept my own feelings for myself, but as The Sex Pistols say, "'cause I'm so in love with myself".
The past month was hard. Probably the hardest I had since October. As usual, a combination of everything shitty and discouraging in the world happened all at once, and when you're into deep shit you can't really see anything but shit surrounding you, now can you. Then I went back home for a little more than a week, and magically I could see everything from the right perspective. When you distance yourself from your problems, you see them so small from afar and you're like seriously, did I feel that bad for this? Did I give so much attention and importance to this? What? That's why my best advice is always "get away from it and see it from a different perspective, your point of view will change and everything will look so much better and easier to deal with". But yeah, I never seem to be able to practice what I preach.
I thought I needed someone else to be happy, which is the funniest thing I can come up with since I'm the ultimate loner. I just enjoy being by myself and doing my own thing. Taking my time, not having to tell anyone about anything. In school I used to hate team sports, I was good at running. Running only involves you and your will power. If you fall you can only blame yourself and that's what I like. Taking my responsibilities for myself, not having to tone it down, not having to compromise. Compromise has never been my cup of tea. I see so many people trying to look strong and happy by themselves, I know this guy (now don't be all proud and shit because I'm talking about you, I still think you're an asshole and I don't wanna see your face ever again, but you're a good example for what I'm talking about, thank you) who's like "yeah I'm antisocial, I like to be by myself, I hate people". But he's always looking for everyone's approval, he needs to surround himself with people who belive in him because he can't. He hates people's company because he doesn't know how to interact, he always hurts people because he thinks so low of himself he doesn't believe it possible to be actually able to hurt anyone in  the first place.
I don't hate people. I love people, I can't stand stupidity and that's why it may seem like I hate people. People always say I hate people, but that's improper use of the verb to hate. I just feel so comfortable with myself I don't need and actually I don't want to share my own precious company with someone if I don't feel like it. I'm alone by my own choice, I'm not lonely because someone else's decided for me. It's probably true I'm like a cat, that's probably why I get along with cats so easily.
Listen, I'll only say it once: we're born alone and we die alone, the healthiest, smartest thing we can do is learning to live and feel completely alone. This doesn't mean we cannot mate up, it just means that when we do it's because we choose to share our wholeness with another whole being, not because we're desperately seeking our other half.
If you're a whole nothing can break you.

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I'd like to say in the four months I haven't written not even a tiny note in here my life changed dramatically for the (well, as I perceive it) better. I'd like to say I won the lottery, got ridiculously blonde and goodlooking with a super toned top model body and Leonardo DiCaprio fell in love with me and we finally got married in some exotic location and we left for a two months honeymoon around the world. Nope. I'd like to say everything went smooth and I always felt content with myself and the way others perceive me and that I was not called a self-centered egoistic cunt for not caring enough about others while struggling trying to keep the scattered pieces of my parody of adult life together in the process of actually bulding a new adult life in a foreign country. Nope. I'd like to say I didn't make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and fucked it up over and over and over and over and over. Nope. I'd like to say every aspect of everything whatever is settled and steady and nothing makes me anxious. Nope. I'd like to say I don't give a flying fuck. Yep. I'm tired people, so very extremely tired. Exhausted to the point the only idea of facing new individuals and having to talk and act all nice and polite while they casually try to get me into analyzing my poor life choices and blahblah for the 643562836528576th time gives me the creeps. I got NO tattoed on my arm because when I have enough I stop talking and just show it. They think I'm joking, I'm not.
My soul is tired. Tired of all the whiners who always complain about anything and everything about their lives and don't realize how blessed they are and how miserable they make other, less fortunate fellows feel. I'm tired of self-proclaimed depressed fucks who dwell on the pieces of their broken hearts because it somehow gives them some comfort, but doing something about it? Nope. I'm tired of kiddos trying to be all cool and shit, yeah peace and love but they couldn't care less about the consenquences of their shallow behaviour. Respect the elders I say, bitches.
I am officially tired. Life is yours, you always have at least two options. One safe, one scary as shit because it leads to something totally new and well, potentially negative. Or well, to be correct, since negative is not necessarily a bad thing, hard to handle. But the choice is entirely yours. Needless to say, the bill will be handed to nobody but you, no one else will make it up for what you choose to do. Which I repeat, is not necessarily a bad thing, if you don't consider it bad. It may actually be a reward, although initially in disguise. Even if you believe in God or some Higher Power or whatever, there's this small thing called FREE WILL. You are given a direction, it's your choice to either follow it or change it. And it's never, NEVER bad. It's bad only if you think it is. Complaining won't solve anything, won't make it any easier. Blaming others won't do either. Playing the victim, or worse, playing the I can't change act is the most pathetic thing you can do. Chris Cornell wrote "cry if you wanna cry if it helps you see if it clears your eyes". I couldn't agree more. But then get the fuck up and do something, for no one can change your situation but you. And remember kids. Just because people don't talk about their shit, or well, they don't do it with you, it doesn't mean they're not struggling, It doesn't mean their lives' all party and fun and they don't care about anything. It doesn't even mean they're stupid. It just means that maybe, just maybe, they're actually DOING something about it rather than TALKING about it. Which can also mean spending their time watching fun stuff to feel better, or spending time with positive, nice, encouraging people they can relate to, or who just make them feel better. It's still something. What are you doing to make your situation, or people's around you, any better?

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I've been studying these people's behaviour when it comes to human relationships for a while now, it's interesting. It's basically the opposite of what I'm used to. Especially concerning relationships between men and women, I'm going crazy, it's so interesting I'd like to write a book about it. With two friends we basically hold weekly meetings and we share what we learnt. We came to the conclusion that these people are crazy. In the beginning I thought it was cool because apparently they're so respectful and polite. Nope, it's just the first impression.
It really resembles Japanese society in a way, there are so many similarities.
The only slightly different thing is here women are more aggressive and powerful and they show it, in Japan it's more like they're surely leading the game, but you can't really see it on the surface, you have to go deeper to understand. Here men are, like, I don't know, it's like hunting, women are hunters and they need to be careful at first if they don't want their prey to get scared and run away. After shooting, though, they only need to carry the dead body in their cave. More or less. My friend suggested that here, in order to get your prey, you have to look cute, lovely, maybe pretending to be even a bit dumb, reassuring, comforting. And the game can go on for ever. I had people telling me they've had a crush on me for years and I barely know their faces and by the way only because they're friends of friends and we were once at the pub together with other ten people something like five years ago. I had people blabbing blabla being all macho and shit and daring and yeah I'd do this and this you're so beautiful so smart so sexy and then you're like ok fine, so let's date and see what happens. Never heard of them ever again, but still they follow my every move on FB and IG. I don't see the point in spending my days texting someone and saying things if I don't wanna at least try to get to know that person in real life, you know. I'm old school. I don't flirt with just anyone because I need to be reassured about my sexuality, my sex appeal, my beauty, my worth or whatever. But when it happens all the time, I start questioning myself of course. Is it me? What do I do wrong? I see idiots (yeah, I-D-I-O-T-S, I call things by their names, call me arrogant for that, I don't mind) getting laid all the time, I see them getting in and out of relationships all the time. I understand the point, being an idiot to make other idiots feel safe and sound in their comfort zone. I could try, it's possible to play dumb, it's actually quite easy and if the character is well written, super fun. But no. In my country we call this kind of female "gatta morta", I looked it up in the dictionary and it translates "cocktease". Pretty accurate. Nope. You know that saying "if you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen"? Exactly!
Another thing I'm costantly told is "it's so easy to talk to you, you're so smart". This really leaves me speechless, as I had no idea these people were used to such low level of human interation. Like, seriously? Someone listens to you and gives you advice because, guess what, been there done that, and it's like a genius? What kind of people are these poor things surrounded with? Seriously? So I was basically thinking screw that, these people don't need a girlfriend, these people need a therapist. And therapists make lots of money. As for lack of love and relatioships, I'll get myself a dog so I'll at least experience the life of a single parent.
Life=solved.
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