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So many things have changed since the last time I wrote here. There was storm, shit storm, and then sun. And then storm again. And then sun again. Like a rollercoaster, or just like what you can call Summer in Scandinavia. As usual, problems like to knock at your door all together, because the more the guests, the bigger the party, when all you wanna do is just stay in watching cheesy tv shows and eating junk food.

 

People. Lots of people. Old and new. I've met so many new friends in so many unexpected ways. I've made up with old friends. And I understood one thing. If someone wants to be in your life, if someone wants to see you, if you're important to someone, they'll make the extra effort to be around. They'll do whatever they can to keep you around. They'll walk that infamous extra mile, literally, to cross your path as much as possible. They'll come to smelly weird rock bars they probably don't even like to spend just one hour with you. They'll come eat at your restaurant even if they live 30 minutes away and they have to wake up early the next morning just to have a few drinks afterwards. They'll give you their apartment key to help a friend in need at 2am on a Wednesday night. They'll drive six hours from another country to spend a weekend with you. They'll swallow their pride, after you've tore it apart one too many times, to start talking to you again after the last fight. These are the people worth keeping around, these are the people you can call friends. Words must always match actions, otherwise they're meaningless.

 

Work. Lots of work. Lots of people at work. Lots of new things learnt. Including the art of being incredibly nice while all you wanna do is murder murder homicide!. I didn't remember customer service was so draining, that's why I avoided it for the past five years. But still it's fun, I'm grateful.

 

Family. Up and down. If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I'm doing it now more than ever, it works. But still, it's hard. For the first time in my life I miss my family. I really do. For the first time in my life I look forward to going on holiday not to visit a new, exotic city, but to go back to my hometown to spend some quality time with my family. I guess I've matured, or I'm just an old boring sentimental fuck.

 

Health/beauty. Hahahahaha. Let's just say I'm on a liquid diet at the moment. Again. And my hair's back to black, just like in 2008. Next time I even dream of going blonde just remind me how incredibly hotter and, let's say it, young I look with black, wavy locks.

I've tried to become a selfie whore, it didn't work.

 

Love/affairs. Hahahahahahahaha. I've had fun, now it's time to retire. Don't even think about that, ever.

 

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"From your Facebook blablabla". I get this a lot. "From your Facebook you hate the world", "From your Facebook you're a mean bitch and proud of it", "From your Facebook I'd never tell you're shy", "From your Facebook I see you're a model", "From your Facebook blablabla".
I admit it, if I didn't know myself and stumbled across my own Facebook page, I'd think it's a fake page run by this middle age geek named Ned, socially awkward weirdo, vaguely creepy who likes to collect pictures of pretty ladies and whose sense of humor never passed 5th grade.
Luckily for me I don't usually "add" people I don't know to my networks, I mean, I always try to be sure we met/talked at least once beforehand. And usually my answer to the "Do you have Facebook? Can I add you?" is always "Are you sure you want me as your Facebook friend? My page is...embarrassing". They never believe me until they see it, then the "From your Facebook" thing.
What strikes me is this thing that people, I mean, even those who actually spoke to me in real life, seem to be quite impressed by the fact that I have a brain and I use it. I actually like to use it a lot, probably more than I should. They're like woah I didn't expect you to have so many interestes, I didn't expect you to talk about such things blabla.
Yeah I know right, we live in a world of stereotypes and clichè of any kind, one is if you look a certain way then you're stupid as shit, another if you dress like that then of course you like a certain kind of music and imagery, if you listen to a kind of music or go to a kind of place then how can you be interested in other music and other places as well. If you have this chronic bitch face it means you're a sad person. If you're laughing all the time if means you're a joker and shallow (Pacey from "Dawson's Creek" and Steve from "Beverly Hills 90210", anyone? They were the idiots, they ended up being the most interesting and deep characters, just saying). If you're skinny blabla. If you're fat blabla. If you like tattoos then why you don't get big tattoos, what's the point in getting small, hidden tattoos. If you're nice and polite and friendly and you're a (perceived by society as) beautiful single woman in a niglt club, of course you're looking for dick, of course men are allowed to make dirty jokes and you'd be flattered because hey, a random cunt finds you sexually appealing (well it doesn't really matter if they find fuckable anything with two legs, well, sometimes one is enough, and boobs, possibly alive, possibly relatively young, meaning younger than their grandmother). You're a woman so you should shut up when the alpha male says so. You can't raise your voice, you're being rude, although it's a lot ruder calling nicknames someone you've met a couple of times and you basically know nothing about.
From YOUR Facebook, people, most times I get the idea of idiots, attention seeking whores, horny 40yo teenagers who've never seen a vagina apart from their mom's when they came to this world. I see wannabes who try so hard to give the world an image of themselves it doesn't mirror reality. I see girls desperately seeking for the likes they think will make them feel good about the distorted image they have of their bodies. And I see lot more. But I don't stop and first impression, if I did I would have even less friends that I already have.
So my question is. Why can't you just do the same? Silence is better than bullshit べーっだ!
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So yesterday I went on a date after a long time. We went to this Stock Sales thing with all Finnish brands and shops and independent designers selling samples and stuff at super discounted prices, my date bought me a new kick ass leather bag ("I want a colorful bag for summer, I only have black bags and I want something cuter - oh look, I love this baby blue color - oh now I fell in love with this design, ok I want this" - ended up with a black double bag which actually looks like a backpack from 2002, typical), a silver ring with baby blue glass details and a dope necklace made out of recycled leather. My date knows me so well. Then we went strolling around Kallio in the late spring sun, I hadn't been in the hood for a while and obviously my date knows me so well we just went there. Then a walk in the park on the way back to the center. There were so many people having picnic and just basically enjoying the sun, it was delightful. So many couples and families with children. Looking at them was heart warming, but I'm probably saying this because I was on a date. The perfect date, I cannot think of anything better. We ended up having dinner at some Asian place in the center, hadn't had anything but breakfast the whole day. In the evening we went to Nosturi to check out a few new bands at this Emergenza Festival Suomi or whatever. Smokin' Aces was playing, of course we had to go.
Did I mention that my date yesterday was actually ME? Yes. The person who loves me the most in this world. It took me a while to accept my own feelings for myself, but as The Sex Pistols say, "'cause I'm so in love with myself".
The past month was hard. Probably the hardest I had since October. As usual, a combination of everything shitty and discouraging in the world happened all at once, and when you're into deep shit you can't really see anything but shit surrounding you, now can you. Then I went back home for a little more than a week, and magically I could see everything from the right perspective. When you distance yourself from your problems, you see them so small from afar and you're like seriously, did I feel that bad for this? Did I give so much attention and importance to this? What? That's why my best advice is always "get away from it and see it from a different perspective, your point of view will change and everything will look so much better and easier to deal with". But yeah, I never seem to be able to practice what I preach.
I thought I needed someone else to be happy, which is the funniest thing I can come up with since I'm the ultimate loner. I just enjoy being by myself and doing my own thing. Taking my time, not having to tell anyone about anything. In school I used to hate team sports, I was good at running. Running only involves you and your will power. If you fall you can only blame yourself and that's what I like. Taking my responsibilities for myself, not having to tone it down, not having to compromise. Compromise has never been my cup of tea. I see so many people trying to look strong and happy by themselves, I know this guy (now don't be all proud and shit because I'm talking about you, I still think you're an asshole and I don't wanna see your face ever again, but you're a good example for what I'm talking about, thank you) who's like "yeah I'm antisocial, I like to be by myself, I hate people". But he's always looking for everyone's approval, he needs to surround himself with people who belive in him because he can't. He hates people's company because he doesn't know how to interact, he always hurts people because he thinks so low of himself he doesn't believe it possible to be actually able to hurt anyone in  the first place.
I don't hate people. I love people, I can't stand stupidity and that's why it may seem like I hate people. People always say I hate people, but that's improper use of the verb to hate. I just feel so comfortable with myself I don't need and actually I don't want to share my own precious company with someone if I don't feel like it. I'm alone by my own choice, I'm not lonely because someone else's decided for me. It's probably true I'm like a cat, that's probably why I get along with cats so easily.
Listen, I'll only say it once: we're born alone and we die alone, the healthiest, smartest thing we can do is learning to live and feel completely alone. This doesn't mean we cannot mate up, it just means that when we do it's because we choose to share our wholeness with another whole being, not because we're desperately seeking our other half.
If you're a whole nothing can break you.

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