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2014-04-04 20:00:07


Long time no see!
I wanted to update this blog like, so many times, but everyday something new added up to the pile of things I wanted to share so in the end I couldn't put everything into words. I took a few pictures though (thank you Instagram, you're making even the most common things interesting again, yay!), I think they pretty much sum up last month.


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2014-02-21 08:01:18


So I've been 29 for a week now. It took me seven bloody days to accept this sad truth and, like, realize it's real. Next year it's 30 man, wow. I didn't die at 27 as expected, I'm a bit disappointed, indeed, it means I'm not the genius I was sured I was. Sucks. If I have to tell you the truth, I've never thought, as a teenager, that I would be where I am now at this age. That means, basically nowhere a grown up woman in this stupid society should be. I still live by my own rules and follow my own morals, I'm still, somehow, free, and glad, if you ask me. The past ten years have been amazing. You know, just AMAZING. Ten years ago at this time I was already back from my first trip to London. I had no idea what was to come next, no fucking idea. Ten years ago I was totally different, if you met me back then you would be surprised to see what I've become today. I was scared, angry, I was really an outcast, I was kind of uneducated when it came to social skills and emotions and everything. I was even more shy than now and I used to keep everything bottled up inside until the point where I couldn't take it anymore and man, you think I'm scary now when I get mad, you should have seen me ten years ago. I was the kind of person to stop talking to people when I felt they did something wrong to me. I was like, fine, you're out, and from one day to the other I would stop talking to them, completely. There was no room for second chances, not to talk about dialogue. I was in my own world, if you wanted to be part of it you had to follow my rules, the problem was I didn't explain those rules in the first place, so it was a lil' hard dealing with me. Yet there were a few people who managed, and made my teenage angry days actually cool. I'm so thankful I have some really cool memories from high school, I used to hate it because of my anxiety problem (I only recently found out it was because of it that I was always sick as a kid, can you imagine?), but if I look back, there were a few fuckers who made it worth it to wake up in the morning, get ready and get there (I was always late, in fact I was kind of friend with the principal because when I knew I was too late I didn't even go to class, I went first to his office lol he used to call me by my first name, haha! He was cool!). Also a few teachers were cool, I'm forever thankful I had those couple-maybe three really badass teachers, I'll never forget them, some crazy people ha!
But I have to say, I'm not keeping in touch with anyone from back then. Partly because I'm terrible at this kind of social things, partly because we didn't really have anything in common besides school stuff and relationships and whatever. In fact, I found my true self outside school. I've met this bunch of crazy people who thaught me it's cool to be different, it's cool to stand out, it's cool to follow your own rules in life. It started with a few fuckers, it ended with people from the most different cultural background and environment and shit. I lost a lot of friends along the way, but I'm not sorry, because not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, some people are just there to teach you a lesson, it can take one night as well as three days or six months. I rememebr each and everyone, and I'm thankful even to the psychos, to the liars, to the backstabbers, because I realized humans are small and make mistakes and we are all so imperfect and it's OK to forgive. Everyone has a story and if we don't get along fine, we can still be civil. But I'm most thankful to the ones who are still there after so many years, they've seen my bad sides, they know I'm not perfect, they know I can be extremely hard to handle, but still they're there and they love me (or at least pretend to love me lol) no matter what. What's most important, they respect me. It's also thanks to those people if I'm the person I am today, if I've grown up and if I took some risk in life that made me enjoy it and well, collect so many fun memories. If you're one of those people well, I'm no good at expressing my feelings, but if I'm still hanging around after a decade (or well, even after a couple of years lol), chances are I love you and respect you and I'm grateful. I don't know what's gonna happen in the following ten years, but memories remain and they're pretty cool man! So thank you for making my first part of my adult life worth remembering ドキドキ
2014-01-08 01:53:44

What you see is what you get. Not.


Photo: Eleonora Federico
MUA: Linda Mattioni
You think this is really me? Why don't think twice?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about this social media thing and the fact that everyone seems to try to have a better internet person to give the world the idea of being successful and fun and whatever. The spark came from a picture I've seen online of this girl I've met a couple of times in clubs, and my first reaction seeing her was "wow, so not pretty". I have this thing that when I meet someone for the first time I either think aw or ew, it's a sensation based on aura, style and general impression I get from the person. When someone feels negative and "dark" to me I immediately associate it with uglyness, I can't really do much about it, maybe I don't remember the face but I'll sure remember the bad feeling I got. Anyway, a few days later I accidentally bumped into her facebook page, and saw her profile picture. Totally different, like, another person. I even thought, HOT! And then I remembered when I saw her in person, like, no fucking way that's the same person. And I started thinking. Photography is a big fat lie, it's all about perspective and light and, in this case, make up. Of course your face and body look different from angle to angle, there are some pictures of me out there where it doesn't look like me at all. I already happened to meet people in real life after knowing them online for a while, and I'm not gonna lie, I was always, ALWAYS disappointed. Like you see these amazing bone structures and bodies and you feel quite miserable thinking "I'm so unpretty I hate myself why I can't be like that", then you realize nothing's real, everything's a huge lie made up to give you an illusion. To give people an illusion of being what they dream of. If you think about it, that's not too different from what we do everyday with make up, clothes, whatever. My question is why. I mean. I can understand when it comes to art, fashion and such, I mean, it's not real, anyone who thinks any of the images we see in magazines are real needs some help. Like, seriously. But regular people. Normal people who don't work in the realm if visual arts. Why. People see you in real life, even the ones you meet online will eventually see you for who you are. Why you photoshop yourself to a point where your entire structure is different. Why you take pictures from above, Why you make yourself thinner, why you make your boobs fuller, what's that. Are you that insecure. I mean, a little photoshop never killed anyone, but seriously. It's so awkward to step into a club, see someone who looks familiar but not being sure if it's her or not (I refer to women because it's something that mostly women do, I noticed). That's one of the reasons why I never say hi to anyone I haven't met in real life, what if I greet the wrong person, people, I'd bury myself alive because I'm too shy to even greet people I've known for years. Not to talk about the lifestyle. "Oh today I did this, oh today I met this, oh I'm a pro model/photographer/stylist/musician/artist/dj/you name it". That's so annoying, and that's why I rarely talk about what I do with people I don't know or that don't know me, I don't wanna be associated with such suckers. I remember that time when I was working with this self-proclaimed model/photographer/whatever, she introduced me to anyone as "the stylist". No. No fucking way. I'm not THE STYLIST, I just enjoy doing some styling because I love being involved in creative projects. Yeah I know it would sound so much cooler to introduce myself as THE STICAZZI but I'm not. At this point I'd rather being called the model, at least I have some credit for that. Why does everyone want to look fancier that they actually are, who fucking cares, people will either like you or not and if they base their opinion on what you DO instead on what you ARE, well, I don't know why you care about these people's opinion anyway.
But the worst part, I mean, the really really ridiculously bad part in all of this, is when other people make up ideas based on what they see on your FB/Twitter/Instagram/thefuck. That's one thing I'm terrified of, that's why I rarely interact with people I don't really know and don't really know me. You can't control it, that's the point. I've never really cared of what friends or foes thought about me, but lately I'm questioning myself and my "public persona" a lot. Because most times the idea I've got of myself doesn't match with even my closest friend's idea. That's fucking scary. Imagine, if not even folks who are supposed to be knowing you the best have really a clue about your inner self, what's possibly the first impression you give to perfect strangers. Scary shit, uh? The problem is we humans tend to idealize people and situations, don't forget mankind's first thought after food and shelter was probably not sex, but creating a bunch of gods to idolize but that, infact, could possibly be someone they saw in the crowd and they thought were particularly appealing to be idolized. Period.


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